Grey Skies

Grey Skies The light outside is grey. Just dim and grey. It reflects my mood. I have no will to do anything today. I have put on a happy face when I have to interact with a living breathing person then I go back to my sad sack face where I don't have to hide that I am having troubles today. I have tried to be fine for 3 days now and it's not working. I am not fine. I am angry, emotionally frazzled. I am weepy and morning for what could have been. I do not like being me today. I was late. I have spent 27 years never being late. The 14 days past the day I knew what was going on. I have birthed 3 children, my two girls and the surrogate baby. I know what being late means. I know what being sick in the late afternoon means. I know when the weird rash breaks out on my hands what it means. I do not need a doctor to confirm what it means. 3 days ago when my period started I was thrown into the deepest pit. When I told Steven I had started he was emotional, too. I tried to reason with myself and him. "All things happen for a reason." "Things like this happen when something is terribly wrong." "It is nature's way of dealing with a biological mishap." I am tired of putting on the face. I want to scream and openly cry. I want to weep and sob out loud. I can't. The children will hear and want to know what is wrong. Steven will hear and it will upset him. How do you get through things like this and stay in one piece? How? Why? I just want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head and hide. Hide from what? I don't know ... other people's eyes maybe. I want to openly morn for what was to be and is not to be any more. Maybe all I need is swift kick in ass to get moving again, but I don't want to move. Not today. Today I want what is not meant to be. Posted by Angie at 01:30 PM | Comments (5)