I want a Mr. Jo

I have been over at Sue's house riffling through her drawers, peaking into her closets, opening windows and poking in to corners. I have come to this final conclusion: I want Mr. Jo! Not want as in want. My hubby is exceptional in that department. I demand she send him here to do all the things I need done. Are you listening to me, Sue? I need Mr. Jo. I must have him! I want my husband to say, "Mr. Jo is coming to __________ (fill in the blank)." or "Call Mr. Jo and have him ________(fill in the blank)." It would be near to orgasmic to hear those words! There is so much to do around this house. We can live just fine like it is but in a few years it would start to crumble around our feet. - The kitchen needs a major overhaul and I am working on the design. - The bathroom was put in half-ass and it needs to be ripped apart and redone. I am working on those plans, too. - Some fool painted all the floors upstairs save for one and painted 2 downstairs AND THE FRONT AND BACK STAIRCASES! They have to be stripped and sanded and refinished. - The paint colors are garrish, every room needs new paint, but there is so much paint the old stuff has be chipped away before painting. - The house was built without indoor plumbing. 4 storage closets (HUGE) were torn out to put in 2 bathrooms. The one upstairs has a period 1909/1910 clawfoot tub and there is NOTHING to protect the walls from splashes of water AND it has ugly linoleum. - The cellar seeps dribbles of water. We need a french drain installed on the outside wall. - The wood stove in the kitchen is in the wrong place so that it eats up about 1/4 of the area and it needs to be relocated to a more central area where I am going to have a fireplace built for it to rest its weary iron legs. - The mudroom needs cabinetry and shelving. - Every contractor has looked at our lovely glass french doors and said, "Installation of these doors are fail proof." But whomever put ours in failed. It is causing a water problem when it rains and we have to pull out the floor and have that fixed under the house. - The 1960's redo of the fireplace is totally out of place and is UGLY! You see I NEED a Mr. Jo. Neigh, I deserve a Mr. Jo! I have searched high and low and so far I cannot find a Mr. Jo. Please, God, please send me Mr. Jo or someone like him. I'll be good. I promise! I'll make him coffee or iced tea, I won't complain of the mess that needs to be made. Send me a Mr. Jo and let's get this show on the road. I mean, summer is coming and I have to have a pool installed in the back yard. We are burning daylight here! I want to look out of my attic window and see this space filled with blue water sparkling in the summer sun! Please, please, I won't complain about the cost. I know I am a cheapass tightwad but with a Mr. Jo assuring me I am spending too much money I can assure myself I am just frugal. Yes, frugal. I want to be patted on the back for being frugal!