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April 08, 2005

The Name Game - It's Over Yonder

When I was growing up it was common practice to be called something other than your name. I mean something beyond the common nickname (and no, SOB, jackass and the like was not allowed). My birth name is Angela. My nickname is Angie. My grandmother called me Pan-An or Angie-Pangie my entire life. She passed away last September and nobody calls me by those names, no one is allowed to, except for my Steven and that's only because he provides me with things like money and food and internet service that is NOT dial-up. I mean, this man has EARNED the right!

My grandmother had other names she called her children, too. My uncle is named Melvin (do NOT play games with this name, it was my grandfather's name and it is a GREAT name, but I won't be naming any son of mine Melvin because I don't want his butt kicked on the playground for having such a nerdy name.) My grandmother called him "Buck", some family members called him "Buckshot". My mother hated her name. Her name is Martha, her nickname is Mot, but her other name was "SquashBottom". My Aunt Sue was "Sally Pumphandle". My Aunt Rachel and I were both addressed as "Fatty Rabbit" by my grandfather. My Aunt Sherry was called "Fe-Fee" by her younger bother and my sister. My youngest uncle was often called "Sport". Yeah, we know that is a dog's name, but we don't acknowledge it in public. My great uncle, Jesse, code name: "Uncle Tittle", (OMG the names) called him "Hammer" or "Hammerhead", stemming from an incident where the previous wacked the latter with a hammer on the head while he was napping on the couch. My grandmother was known to her brothers and my grandfather (and his mother and sister) as "Sis" and after my grandfather passed away her second husband called her, "Lovey".

I like the name "Lovey". I was honored when for no reason my husband has started calling me "Lovey." He didn't know my grandmother was "Lovey" and it gave me a thrill to know that once again I had something in common with my grandmother. I asked him one night while we were in the truck why he called me "Lovey". I was expecting some great little tidbit about him loving me or some such romantic notion, but it wasn't to be. He called me "Lovey" in honor of Mrs. Thurston Howell, III, from Gilligan's Island. Oh, well, so much for romance.

When my own children came along, I followed the family tradition and began giving my daughter other names. It's a wonder in the early years that she even knew her real name. She was "Sally", "Frog Bottom", "Flossy" and "Eulealeigh Quattlebaum". For a while between the ages of 4 and 8 she refused to answer to her birth name, ColbyAnne, and insisted she be called, "Francey". My younger daughter was given names like "Lollipop", "Hop Noodle", "Droopey Drawers" and "Eupheginia Pennyworth". My kids answer to just about anything these days. I mean, I did my duty as a southern mother!

Colby is now nearing 18 years old and she too has picked up on the family tradition of changing peoples names. She might bring me a glass of tea and will sit it down with an off-handed "Here's you a glass of tea, Ethel."

My husband and my step-daughter (age 9) does not understand this Southern Tradition. They are confused by it. Steven gives the kids names, like "Huggy Bear" and "Sugar Buggar", but that is the limit of his imagination and the only names he uses and only when he is in a playful mood. J., my step-daughter, gets upset when her name is changed. My oldest often calls her "Janet" and she shouts, "I am not Janet!".

Suffice it to say that is two yankees who have no sense of humor of the southern variety. Which leads me to this thought. Steven thinks he is southern simple because he has lived in Virginia for the past 23 years. He thinks his daughter is southern because she was born in Virginia. My God! This man has 2 degrees and he doesn't understand the concepts of southernism.

I point out nearly every single day he is not southern. He was born in Illinois, raised by two yankees from Chicago and his not understanding the word "yonder" clearly support this fact. As to the daughter born in Virginia who is not southern either, I simply point out: "A cat may have kittens in the oven but we don't call them biscuits any more than we would call your child, raised by yankees, a southerner." Being southern is a way of life and you know little to nothing about that life therefore you are not Southern! Get it, son?

So what is all of this leading to?

Last night we lay in bed, talking in those moments just before sleep, listening to the night music floating in the open window.

Me: "Have you ever seen a may-pop?"

Him: "No."

Me: "Have you ever tied a thread to a June bug and watched it fly around?"

Him: "Why would I do that?"

Me: "Have you ever eaten a watermelon in the field while it is hot from the sun?"

Him: "No."

Me: "Have you ever used just a string to go fishing?"

Him: "No."

Then he tries to turn the table on me ...

Him: "Have you ever crawled through a sewer pipe?"

WTF?

Me: "We have septic tanks in the country."

Ha, I want to see his ass climb through a 'sewer pipe' from a septic tank.

He is NOT southern. But he is getting to be a little bit country. I wish he would hurry up and learn were yonder is because I am tired of the deer-caught-in-the-headlights look he gives me when he asks "Where do you want this?" and I say, "Put it over yonder."

**** Addendum 10:13 am****

Steve says:
and what's so wrong about gilligan's island? it was a very popular show, and clearly mr. howell truly loved mrs. howell.
Cold in Virginia says:
no one but you would see the romance in gilligan's island
Steve says:
deserted tropical island, basic necessities made from coconuts and palm leaves. what's wrong with that?
Cold in Virginia says:
no internet
Steve says:
that's made from a palm tree, bamboo, some palm leaves, and an old can.
Cold in Virginia says:
if that were true they could have blogged it and been rescued
Steve says:
they went through the anonymizer. why would they spoil the tropical island?
Cold in Virginia says:
to get rescued
Cold in Virginia says:
you forget the whole show was written around getting rescued which they fucked up many times over
Steve says:
and be subject to taxation, overcrowded suburbs, pollution, etc.?
Steve says:
well - gilligan did.
Cold in Virginia says:
they all did
Steve says:
i think it was deliberate.
Cold in Virginia says:
ha
Cold in Virginia says:
i am sending jason the link to your tractor pics if you can't come up with something more believable or funny

Posted by Angie at April 8, 2005 05:55 AM

Comments

Posted by: Eric Cole at December 20, 2005 04:49 AM