A Mother At 20
Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a mother. In high school I went through all the career goal stuff and picked journalism and law as directions I might someday seek. My love of history came much later. Deep down I just wanted to be a momma.
Secretly I had this dream. A most perfect and rose colored image of what my life would be. I would marry a great guy with a simple yet beautiful wedding. He would work and I would stay home and raise my babies. We would get through life together and in the end we would find a away to be financially stable. Our children would grow up to be intelligent people who traveled and saw all the things in the world to see and would come home to tell me about their lives. I would sit on the front porch and rock my grandbabies. Life would be perfect in an imperfect world. I was 18, young and dumb.
I had this image of motherhood that was live and in technicolor. I would be a most loving and gentle earth mother. I would grow vegetables and herbs. I would tend my flock of children, teaching them all the things I knew. We would do homework at the family table. We would take summer vacations. Life would be grand.
Then I got pregnant at age 20. I still had the ideals and dreams of this life that was to come. Dear heaven, someone should have told me in advance what was to come. I might not have believed them but someone should have bellied up to the bar and shed some light on real life!
Being pregnant was not easy. I was so god awful sick. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ALL. DAY. LONG. No one warns you about being sick! I was so sick I could hardly hold my head up. It took most of the day to motivate myself to do anything. Laundry piled up. Dishes didn't get washed everyday. I was drowning. The least little thing would set off my gag reflex. I dreaded brushing my teeth. I knew it would make me physically sick. I had to brace myself and plan for teeth brushing. I had to prepare myself for the sickness to come after and then brush my teeth again. It was a grueling ordeal to wade through.
Then one day I wasn't sick anymore and everything was almost normal again. The morning and all day long sickness is a filthy trick Mother Nature plays on a woman. The next six months was spent making baby clothes and blankets, pulling together a nursery and planning for this beautiful little creature that was coming into my life. People were generous with showers and gifts. It was indeed a lovely time.
I read all the books. I understood exactly what was happening to my body and the complete development of my baby. The earth mother thing kicked in again and I was determined to do it the old fashioned way - no drugs. Just learning to breathe to control the pain. Natural childbirth was my choice and I was determined to carry it through to the end. Did I tell you I was young and dumb?
The night I went into labor I realized what a big damn mistake I had made. Natural childbirth is not pleasant. Holy hell I would have killed someone for drugs to make the pain stop. At one point I remember begging for just a little something because I knew I was going to die and I didn't want to die screaming and writhing in pain. I did not scream. Not one time. I clench my teeth together to the point I broke one and later ended up having a crown put on it.
Mother Nature might be a bitch but there is a God in heaven. He saw my misery and delivered me from the pit of hell that childbirth pain is. In no less than two hours and fifteen minutes what had started had come to a full end. I held my new baby in my arms and then AND THEN the doctor gave me something for pain! He also explained to me that at a certain point there is no turning back and pain medication shouldn't be given. I think they tried to tell me while I was begging but it did not register at the time.
Within hours I had lost my mind again. I went home 36 hours after Colby's birth with all of these glorious plans of the perfection of motherhood I would carry out. Somebody should have taken my rose colored glasses and stomped on those damn things until they were nothing but crushed metal and shards of glass.
Hours after going home I was in a rocking chair crying my eyes out while this red faced baby screamed and nursed. The image in my mind is likened to huddling in a corner with red eyes and rocking back and forth mumbling mindless babble. I kid you not!
No one told me about stitches. No one told me about constipation. No one told me about blisters from letting a baby nurse at will. What was I supposed to do? A baby that is nursing is a baby that is not screaming. To top it off I was scared to death! I was scared I would break her! I was scared I would do something so wrong she would be scarred for life.
No one tells you anything! Babies do not come with instructions! How is a young woman to know what to do? Thank God for my mother who came to my rescue. Every evening after work she came to my house. She did chores. She helped me take care of Colby. She taught me how to bathe her and burp her and she brought me cream for the blistered nipples that were an ungodly sight.
Now there is more to this than just telling you a story. I have been following a couple of blogs written by soon-to-be first time mothers. God save these young women. They know NOTHING! They think they know what to expect. Oh no, they don't know jack and are in for a rude awakening. I actually feel sorry for them.
There is no class that will ever prepare them for motherhood. There is no book that will tell them that lettuce and broccoli and onions will give their breastfed babies so much gas that they will screaming for hours. There is nothing that gives them an acurate picture of things to come.
No one has told them that $300 diaper bags are a waste of money. No one told them that a $700 stroller is throwing money at foolishness. No one has told them they would be better off using that money to hire help to come in for at least a couple weeks to wash dishes and clothes and floors.
I see the obsession with skinny bodies and fear of stretch marks. No one has told them that in a few months they will be more concerned with using a tucks pad and A&D ointment. No one has told them the fear of peeing for the first time knowing there is a string of stitches in the area. No one has told them about cramping until you think you will go blind. No one has told them about the weeks after when there is bleeding like no period they have known before.
Some have been warned about a babies need to breast feed every two hours. They have no idea how extremely tired they will be trying to recover from birth and then getting no sleep because a baby needs to feed. They don't seem to understand you better catch some sleep while the baby is sleeping. Even more so they don't realize how assinine they look dressing their pets up in baby clothes pretending how it might be.
Every birth story is unique. We women share them like battles fought. The basics are all the same, no matter who you are. Childbirth is hard on your body, mentally and physically. You do not go back to work after a week. You don't pick up where you left off. Everything changes. Unless maybe you are independently wealthy.
You know what the saddest part of it all is? You can tell them EVERYTHING and they think you are kidding or exaggerating. Some even reply with "Ewwww." Even sadder are the ones who are giving advice about birthing and motherhood. How can you give advice about something you don't know anything about?
Thank God we do not stay young and dumb forever.
One more thing. To all the soon-to-be mother's who might read this. No one wants to see photos of shit covered babies. No one wants to read about the shit and the puke. Stop now before it starts. You will suffer a major loss of respect. Plastering the internet with those types of things makes you look like ghetto trash. It is not pretty and it is not funny. It is the MOST disrespectful thing you can do to your new little family. Thank you in advance for not doing this.
I was older than you when I had my first (28) but I definitely went through the same changes. I had NO IDEA what the reality of a baby was like. And even if someone had told me ahead of time I'm sure I would not have believed them.
The funny thing about birthing pain -- well, not funny exactly -- is that when I hear new mothers-to-be obsessing about how painful the birth will be I always think to myself, "Honey, the pain of childbirth is nothing compared to the pain of..." You can fill in the blank here with: the pain of seeing your baby limp with a high fever, the pain of holding your screaming toddler down while the doctor draws blood, the pain of worrying about schoolyard bullies (and worse things when they get older).
Having children turns us into hostages, in a way. Even so, I wouldn't trade it for anything. (Although I have occasionally complained to Josh that raising Golden Retrievers would have been WAY EASIER! Shhh. Don't tell anyone I ever said that.)
One more thing, Angie -- why are you up posting at 4:15am? Are you just an early riser or did you have trouble sleeping last night?
how I love this post. the saddest thing is that women who just had a baby all say that "everything is wonderful!" hiding behind their pride. if only they could honestly say "holy shit! this is so hard I had no idea what it was to be a Mommy you were so right now I feel so lost what should I do help me!"
Mary,
Steven leaves for work at 4:30am. I never let him leave the house without a kiss and an "I Love YOU!" and a goodbye. I have this morbid thing about it could always be the last time and I don't want to miss it. We never know what a day will bring and I honestly live the best I can as if it may be the last day I get to love him. You have no idea how blessed I am to be his wife. I adore him. I love him. I am devoted to him.
I also think it was the way I was raised. It is the example my grandmother and my mother set. You don't sleep while he goes off to work. You get up, make the lunch and see him off.
One time he left me sleeping when he went to work. I was so upset. He called later in the morning to say good morning and I was in tears. Then the mood changed to bitch. He will never leave this house again without waking me up. He saw how hurt I was and he saw my wrath. LMFAO!!!
And you are soo very right about those who haven't had children, dishing out all the advice like they have done it 100 times. When my frist came a month early-the only nurse who was on top of my labor was a nurse who had two childern already- in fact the nurse with no experiance, laughed and shook her head at me when I said "I have to push, there's something down there"- "OH, no you can't be that far, your labor doesn't show on the monitor"- sure enough-Jim grab a doctor and my little noodle boy was born 45 mintues later! Also, I love your comments to Irene above-You and your Steven are very loving and that's wondeful to see.
I was 15 when I got pregnant with Haylie, and you're absolutely right. Every one, especially my mother! told me how hard labor was, but when they said hard I didn't realize that they meant I would spend 8 or 9 hours begging the good lord to please take me now.
But, did someone really actually post a picture of their shit-covered baby? Please say it isn't true!
It is true, Michelle. I have not gone back to either blog to read another post.
You're a beaut, Angie, no kidding. This oughta be semi-required reading for all babyless would-be's.
Lettuce and broccoli and onions? Who knew?
Hoss, I knew;-) But that is due to trial and error and lots, I mean LOTS of it.
I had my first baby at 21 and I was in the same world you write about Angie. Except I did get pain meds, but that was because my labor lasted over 12 hours and my hopes of natural childbirth were squashed after only 2. With my second baby, I asked the doctor if I could have the epidural the night before the induction. Sadly, he said no.
I am as shocked as Michele that there are photos like that on new mothers blogs. That is just awful. I dont frequent many mom-to-be blogs just because I'm past that point in my life. My biological clock is still screaming at me, but that's another story...
Angie, it looks to me as though your teenage dreams did come true. You do have your wonderful family, your garden and life is grand. It just is a hell of a lot more work than we thought at that tender age of 20 - right?
Just another reason I'm glad I found you.
Great post! My kids are both adopted, so I never had the childbirth part. I am SO with you on the photos being not for public consumption. Don't you want the world to see your beautiful baby looking, well, beautiful?
I love this blog. I'm glad I was sent here.
Crap Babies?!! That is SO gross! What would possess a mother/father to post pix like that? Sickos! Guh.
I love this post. I was recently the unfortunate "older woman" in a group of little skinny stupid 20-somethings, one who has a 5yo & clearly regretted parenthood thoroughly (so sad!), two who were prg & the rest who had nary a clue.
I thought I'd die w/all the talk of cocoa butter "to keep stretch marks AWAY". Lordy, how I wanted to blurt out, "NOBODY KEEPS STRETCH MARKS AWAY, YOU IDIOTS!" The gal boasting of her twice-daily slatherings was barely a month along! GUH!
I didn't get too ugly w/them b/c the barely prg gal had been trying for a long time & the other one was far enough along to know better...she was just not telling the truth. I did tell them that I'd had to go to a dermatologist at 5mos for a weird rash & was told how great it was that I had no marks even starting. I'd probably not get a one.
Oh, how that dr. LIED!!!!! Sheesh!
I've had diabetes for over 30yrs, so my pregnancies were pretty scary for more than one reason. I thankfully never had the sickness, but if I had, I'd have been hospitalized the entire time! The good Lord was watching out for me there! I never had any 'real' labor either. both boys came via c-section #1 weighing 8-11 and 2# at 9-7. Oh, and #1 was 2 wks early & #2 was 4 wks early.
They'd-a weighed 15pounds if I'd gone to term! GUH!
I really appreciate you sharing this stuff. I always hated it when older mothers would tell stuff for the specific purpose of scaring preggos senseless, but a good dose of truth is a good thing!! This is certainly a good read for these know-nothing almost-moms out there.
~hugs~
Angie, this should be REQUIRED reading for all pregnant women everywhere! I was totally clueless; being an only child and seldom babysitting, I knew nothing about babies. I was put to sleep for the first one, but the 2nd was with twilight sleep and the third was supposed to be a spinal injection (can't remember the name of it now) but they gave it to me too late and it didn't take effect until after the baby was born. I chewed through the corner of a pillowcase and pillow so as not to scream. Thank God they all came quickly: 5 hrs., 3 hrs. and 2 hrs. labor. Those of you who have stretch marks may hate me though, I have none at all. I used "Mother's Friend" cream each time, and it worked.
Just found your blog and love it, I actually saw one of the blogs you mentioned with the photos, I wasn't sure I was alone in thinking that it was not internet fare. As a young 20 somthing, I have been around those women who sit around talking naively of the way "it will be when I have my babies," or "My children will never do that." HAH! I know better, my future children will do every gross and unimaginable thing in the book to prove me wrong if those things came out of my mouth, hence they do not, I know better. Also, if and when all these things happen to me, I will not post Pictures, promise. Thanks for the wonderful, realistic advice.
What a great post!
I remember shaking so badly after giving birth.
My neighbor is expecting her first. She thinks things will be so wonderful. When she asks me questions I always say do you want the truth or the fairytale. She always gives me a stunned look. She tells me that her friends and co-works say it is so great and easy. I look at her and say you would like the fairytale version. She will have a harsh reality when September hits. Maybe she will come over and hear what can really happen.
Also, how gross to have poop and punk pictures of your children. If my kids don't look cute enough in the picture nobody else is going to see it.
Amen, sistah girl. Amen.
My sister is due in September and completely clueless about babies, although she is well read.
She told me she feels ready, that the baby books are preparing her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I didn't have the heart to tell her that going by what the baby books say is like looking at a picture of a mountain and thinking you can get an idea of the size and terrain from looking at the picture enough. Of course, when you GET to the real mountain, you realize your original picture was a crayon sketch done by a four year old and you were completely conned. She'll figure it out soon enough.
And I'd add pictures of kids with various foods smeared all over their faces and snot dripping from noses as baby blog pictures I don't need to see.
You should give lectures to junior and high school students, you are better than Norplant. I'm glad people are naive or else there would be no babies. Perhaps, a new book 'Pregnancies for Dummies'? My neighbor said to me in all seriousness, "I thought you would be the kind to eat their young. But, you are one of the best mothers I've ever known." For someone who never intended to be a Mom, it was one of the best compliments. One day I hope to be a grandmother, and so my mouth is shut about warning my daughter,lol. I'll be there to help her though and when I'm not able you can bet I'll send her your direction.
Great Post! I have to remember it in the future!
Oh Angie, AMEN to this entire post! And you are so right that you can try to tell them what it will be like, but they won't believe you. Or even worse, they'll get mad at you and think you're a condescending know-it-all. I actually lost a friend that way.
We were the first ones from our group of friends to have a baby. They thought I was a stunning underachiever, not having it all together, as they thought I should. And after having kids it took them YEARS to cop to how hard it really is and mostly because their husbands will tell each other just how miserable their wives are. I should note here that these are all wives of my husbands friends and the girls were all just thrown together by default. What a horrible lonely feeling. I'm glad we've pretty much left them behind.
I think I've seen both pictures that you're talking about, and lord knows I don't offend too easily, but something about that just sat really wrong with me too.
Another great post, Angie :)
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All I can say is Ditto, to all of it. Except I didn't have my first until 39, but those lifelong dreams and visions of being the calm earth mother, the garden, the stay at home mom raising the family... That was me, too. I'm here looking for your diaper rash remedy. My little guy is squirming in discomfort when I put the Desitin on his little tush and usually the Desitin clears him right up. This time it's hurting him and I need to know why! I thought I remembered reading your blog and seeing a diaper rash remedy, but I haven't found it yet.