April 2006 Archives

As a child I knew I wanted to be a mother. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grown up?" It was (is) the only thing I could (can) say with pure honesty when asked. You may recall this past year when I wrote about my pregnancy I wrote knowing that it would be my last pregnancy, my last baby. I was very sure. I had come full circle in my life and went into my marriage with Steve and later this last pregnancy fully reconciled to that fact. Even back when I had first divorced and really saw no other man in my future I dreamed of having just one more baby. As I look back now to that time the desire of having another baby having never left me was like a whisper of the future. A whisper in my ear ... "There will be a chance to have another baby, don't give up on the things you want in this life. A time will come." With that other thoughts and realizations have come to light. Everything I have asked for with an open and truly honest heart has come my way. EVERYTHING. Every. Thing. Even in the hurt of divorce I asked for someone to love me come hell or high water. The other half of me. The one who would never put me second for any reason whatsoever. The one who would never ever try to find a reason why we could not be an us. In time he came to me. I didn't have to go searching. As did another sweet baby. We were all set after Steven was born for Steve to have a vasectomy. It was a decision made and equally accepted by us both no questions asked. Hands down the end. After Steven was born my heart changed. The idea of never having the ability or the choice to have another baby was one that I could not accept. The first time I said this to Steve I think I scared him. I was only a day or two home from the hospital and I was asking him for another baby. He road the fence for what seems like a very long time between having another baby and having a vasectomy. It has only been the past couple of weeks that he has voiced openly the desire for another baby. We have decided we want to have another baby. We both desire another child. I have discussed it with my doctor and he suggested waiting 6 months then start trying. Steven will be 6 months in August. That is when we plan to start trying. Having made that decision I am now afraid that this hunger for children will not be so easily satisfied. I am teary eyed now simply trying to write this. Had I married more perfectly the first time I would have more children now. But back then I knew it wasn't wise to have more children with the person I was married to at the time. If Steve and I had met way back then (age not withstanding) and had married we might be like the Duggar family. I kid you not. I want children. I want many children. I want Steve's children. I don't know when enough will be enough. I don't know how many more Steve will agree to but we have agreed on one more. How do you know when you have come to the end? How do you decide no more babies? How do you come to terms with that ability, that part of your life is over and never will be again? I am afraid of facing a time in my life when I no longer have a choice of having another baby. It is heartbreaking and it is like a wound that seems to be opening and won't close -even while we are planning this summer to start trying for another baby. I am afraid of that time when it comes. I do know it is coming. I will be 40 this August and I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that day will come. Sooner or later and hopefully later than sooner. I thought I had dealt with it in the past and I find that I still have major issues. I am afraid of the next baby being a special needs child because the statistics of downs syndrome being higher with older mothers and my age will be 40 this summer. I don't know if I am equipped to raise a special needs child. I do know if a diagnosis in pregnancy were to be made that I am not one who could have an abortion either. But that kind of fear comes with every pregnancy and most especially when planning a pregnancy. I do not mean to say anything to hurt anyone with a special needs child. Please forgive me if I do. But this is something I worry about and am afraid of and have been scared shitless to write in a sunday confession. There are alot, MANY, women in the blogiverse who have documented their first pregnancy and almost as many who chronicle the second. Those who dare the third, fourth or fifth are not so many. The few that do, well, I can't bring myself to count most of them because, well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should. The spiteful snideness of many makes me cringe and I click the red X and never go back. I am at a place in my life where few have been or ever will be. I have been or am currently a young mother, an older mother, a surrogate mother and a stepmother. At nearly forty (less than 4 month away from the big four oh) NOW is when I feel qualified to actually BE a mother. But NOW is also a time when things can go very wrong and getting pregnant can be very difficult. If we had done anything by way of permanent birth control it would be a huge regret. I thought we were ready for it and I find I am the one who is not. At the time when Steve wasn't sure having another baby was something he wanted to do, knowing he might decide opposite of me just made me sick. Thinking about it caused white hot tears to lodge in my throat that no amount of swallowing would help dislodge. I am always conscious of the role model I am for my girls. I want them to see the beauty and happiness of having children. I want them to witness the joy of expecting a baby. This I know I have done. My Gracie is such a joy to watch. Just last night she was at the table while Colby and I were preparing supper. She looked up from her homework when I said Steven had a doctor appointment Friday morning and would be getting five shots. She said, "If there was a way I could take the shots for him and give him the medicine I would take them. I don't like hearing him cry. I never want to see that precious boy hurting." *sob* That's my baby talking about my baby! I have written all of this to say what the title of this post says. I want another baby. And I am afraid. It is the same as Raehan wrote in the meme she posted at my request. I wonder what it will be like. Will I still want one more? Will I still be afraid? Reahan, I am not your sister, but I am here to hold your hand through it one more time if that is the path you take. If I am blessed to walk it one more time I am going to need a hand to hold too. If we are walking it together at some point along the way we can be afraid together. There is strength in numbers. We can hold hands across America and bump pregnant bellies and hips from coast to coast. Who wants to join in? **Updated to say: As I read this post to spell check it I realized I seem to be dwelling on my upcoming age of 40. I am not. I have worked hard to get here. I don't want to be young and dumb again. 40 has always been the magic age pounded into many of us women as the age when we should stop having babies. I blame much of my fear on the constant drilling of age related birth defects. I fear many other things about getting pregnant and having another baby but the huge fear that shadows over everything else is the one that combines the number 40 and the words birth defects in the same sentence.

**Yes, I am playing with templates. You never know what you might find here over the next few days** This past weekend we hosted two parties. One was for J's 11th birthday. All of Steve's family came to help celebrate. Fourteen of us altogether. Steve's mom likes to tell people she has eight grandchildren ranging in ages from 19 years to 2 months. She likes the shock factor. Steve's brother has 4 boys under the age of 5. The youngest is 7 weeks older than Steven. Steven is bigger than his cousin. "That is what happens when two Catholic boys marry two Baptist girls." Haha! She has a good sense of humor. It rained all day. Nothing but wet and muddy. It cleared out and the sun shined just long enough for the kids to sit on the back porch and eat and be messy then the rains came back and washed everything away so the ants wouldn't attack us and carry away the decking. I was praying for better weather on Sunday. The morning was soggy but the afternoon was fabulous! On Sunday afternoon we hosted a cookout for one of Steve's former employees who will be moving his family out to Washington next week to fill a position for Micr0$0ft. Better them than us. Steve has been offered several jobs with Micr0$0ft now but he keeps turning them down because we don't want to relocate. We have found this home and we want to raise our family here. If they ever come to their senses and offer enough money to keep this place and live comfortably out there we may change our minds. :-) Anywho ... Saturday was hambugers and hotdogs with all the fixings. Plus buttercream chocolate birthday cake and Newt Gingrich's pig lickin' good cake. Both delicious. Sunday I cooked 10 whole chickens -20 halves. I split them in half and cooked them on the grill very slowly. They were tender and juicy and delicious. I made potato salad, baked beans, deviled eggs and tossed salad. I served potato rolls, iced tea and gallons of lemonaide. For dessert I made banana pudding. Other than 3 halves of chicken, nothing was left over. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. The early birds waiting for the Sunday dinner special. There is nothing like a slow Sunday afternoon with a few tables full of good food and a dozen uber geeks and their wives. Most of them are gamers, which we are not, but all of them are developers which makes for some very interesting table conversation and jokes. Most of which would fly right by most people's heads and they would have no freakin' idea what had just been said. There was even a playmate for Steven. This little baby in the swing was born 8 days after Steven. He is still wearing newborn size diapers. My line backer wears size 2. Unless of course the network administrator said, "I read your emails." Hahahaha! (Oh, yes, they can!) A good day was had by all. Especially this smiley little baby. And what did you do with your weekend?

What have I been doing that I could not post or come visit much this past week? Well, it has been spring break here and I have had kids home from school and a lot of spring cleaning going on. Most of the work has been outside the house. That is not a ghost on my porch. It is Colby sitting with the baby. This is what my house looks like with spring all here bright and shining. The boxwoods in front of the house that we took a couple feet off the height last spring have recovered and the inside that was bare is now filling in with nice green limbs and tender leaves. But they are still much too high and block a lot of the front of the house. So we decided it was as good a time as any to pull out the chainsaw and set to work around the house and yards. I told Steve to cut down anything that crossed the fence or cause the fence to break. There was little to nothing to be seen of this fence. Last spring we cut back about 7 feet of brush and undergrowth. Then I found out I was pregnant and the heat and the all day long morning sickness put a very quick stop to the cleanup. This week we cut everything down and completely exposed the fence so we can repair and replace it as needed. This pile is really bigger than it looks. I don't have anything to give perspective on it except to say it was about 7 feet long and over three feet tall. The porch is just over breat high on me and I stand 5'11". After cutting down everything along the fence we started on the boxwoods in front of the house. After Steven took down about a foot and a half I went back with the trimmers and clippers and took off almost another foot of their height. We also cut down some voluntary things that had been growing that blocked the front of the house. What to do with piles and piles of limbs and debris? What any red blooded male would do. Go out and buy a new toy peice of equipment. Yes, a chipper shredder has joined our vast array of tools and motorized equipment that can leave you lame. But is sure made quick work of all those limbs and leaves and stumps and roots! What took a couple hours to cut down took less than an hour to grind up into beautiful smelling mulch that is now around my plots of peonies. The boxwoods are as old as the house (97 years) and the only way to repair the past neglect is to plant new boxwoods in the gaps and let them grow in as fillers. So we bought 4 nice sized plants for this purpose. He has fussed and worked in this pond for several weekends now. He can be like a pissy old wiman aboutit some days. I won't complain too much there are worse things in the world. Steven also gave the pond its spring cleaning. He has pulled out buckets upon buckets of muck and vegetation. Now it is nice and clean and the koi fish love their spring cleaned home. Why do weeds grow like wildfire and you have to beg and plead with everything else to grow? While Steve worked on the pond I worked in the garden plots around the pond. I weeded the areas and made them all tidy and ready for the flowers to grow and bloom. This is the view from standing at the top of my fruit orchard. This is the view from standing at the bottom of the orchard loking toward the koi pond. The lightening strike last summer killed one of our 85 - 90 year old damson trees. Through the Arbor Day Foundation we have been able to replace the tree with a new tree. Steve planted this little tree last November. It and 3 others are thriving well. These wild violets cover the front yard and the orchard. The grass has a purple sheen to it there are so many. I cut grass this morning and they are so low they missed the mower blades and are still pretty. This is what the front of the house looks like after all the butchering, pruning, hacking and sawing. I don't have a photo of this morning of the new Boston ferns hanging on the porch. It has been raining all day and I haven't dared to go out and get the camera wet. A white house. A wide front porch. Rocking chairs. Boston ferns. It all just screams old fashioned goodness! This is what my baby boy did most of the days while we worked around the yard. I could totally eat him up. Doesn't this make you want to have another baby? *Sigh*

I was tagged by Kim for this meme. I AM: incredibly happy with my life. I WANT: to see my children grown and married and with their own beautiful babies. I WISH: we were independently wealthy because I want to be able to quietly do incredible things for other people. I HATE: whiney people who never do anything more than whine about their problems and never take the initiative to better themselves. I MISS: many things, places and people we left back in Georgia. I FEAR: I have sheltered my kids too much. I HEAR: my baby cooing as he plays in his bouncy seat near me; the sounds of my children playing outside; my mother every time I open my mouth. I WONDER: what my baby's voice will sound like when he is able to talk to me. I REGRET: never having finished college. I AM NOT: the easiest person to get along with. I DANCE: when no one is looking or I have had too much to drink. I SING: when I am driving. I CRY: at the drop of a hat especially when watching my children; when I have been pushed to the outer limits of anger. I AM NOT ALWAYS: on time, nor do I manage to get cards and letters mailed out on time. I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a comfortable home for my husband and children. I WRITE: alot more in my head that I do with visable words. I CONFUSE: myself. Often. I NEED: to lose weight. I SHOULD: save more money. I START: a summer class at the community college at the end of May. I FINISH: most of the things I start. I TAG: Miz S., Reahan, MommaK

You know how the beautician always has messy hair because there's not time to fix her own hair? You know how the guy who does yard work for a living needs to hire someone to do his yard work? Well, this is me. I can envision something lovely for most of the journals I read however I can't envision my own something lovliness. Help! What should I do for graphics here?

Blackbird's show and tell is at the request of Chantal who wanted to see our junk drawers. I am trying so hard to get organized and keep things cleaned out that I don't have a big junk drawer like one might find in the kitchen when we lived in the townhouse. This junk drawer is in the cocktail table in the living room. It has ink pens, pencils, tape, various sized batteries, and odd papers I haven't gotten rid of yet because, well, I haven't. No other reason. There is also a spare watch band and a drill bit. A drill bit Steven asked for several months ago and has yet to open much less actually use. Some of you may remember from an earlier show and tell my husbands junk drawer in our bedroom in his nightstand. It is not a typical junk drawer. Not at all. This is a special junk drawer just for him. This is my husbands junk food drawer. I keep it filled with snacks and things just for him lest the kids eat everything and when he wants something it is all gone. We should all be so lucky to have someone fill the junk drawer with lovely things of junk for us. Like chocolates and mints and cookies and chocolates and coffee and coupons for bubble baths and magazines and tall cool drinks for moments when a child isn't needing us. Alas, this is not a perfect world and no one does that for those of us who do that for them.

Inside this box is a delicate christening gown. My In-laws are uncertain of the age. The fabric is delicate and very thin. It was worn by Steven's grandfather. This Steven is named for his father, grandfather, and great grandfather. He has now worn the gown. His official infant portrait. Master Steven Felix.

P.S. My baby chose to starve instead of taking a bottle! *Sob* The guilt is killing me. I didn't take any pills. I am doing well. But who turned the cold weather back on? I am ready for some warm days and sunshine -it was 43F saturday and raining!

... well, like I need another hole in my head ... and it has nothing to do with pouring sense into my head. Remember back when I first got pregnant with Steven and the dentist decided I had two wisdom teeth that needed to come out? Today is the day they come out. I am off to have 2 giant teeth ripped out of my head. What a great day ahead of me, isn't it? Because afterward? 1. I have a baby who will still want to nurse every few hours -because he refuses to take a bottle at all. No bottle EVER. 2. No prescription strength pain relievers because I am breast feeding a baby and that stuff gets into your milk. 3. First thing tomorrow morning I have a seminar for training to be a walmart-style greeter at the Civil War Battlefield near my home. It is an all day long seminar with no pain killers. 4. While I am at the seminar, Steve and Colby will be home with the baby who won't be happy his momma is not home and will either cry all day or will give in and take a bottle. 5. Being woke by a baby every two hours or so all night long is very much like chinese torture. Some days I think it would be easier to just sit up all night than to be woke up just minutes after you fell asleep. 6. At 5:13pm today my baby boy will be 2 months old. How can this be?

Sunday afternoon on the farm. I am soooo in love with this baby. Need I add more words? I thought not ... C'mon, Dad, we're burning daylight.
He works for me.
I give the orders around here.
You don't believe me?
A leather jacket would make me more like the Fonz.
She's gonna make me eat brussel sprouts.
You know I am cute.
Spit bubbles are fun.
Did I tell you all that we are thinking about having another one? We. Are. :-)