I am afraid, too
As a child I knew I wanted to be a mother. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grown up?" It was (is) the only thing I could (can) say with pure honesty when asked.
You may recall this past year when I wrote about my pregnancy I wrote knowing that it would be my last pregnancy, my last baby. I was very sure. I had come full circle in my life and went into my marriage with Steve and later this last pregnancy fully reconciled to that fact.
Even back when I had first divorced and really saw no other man in my future I dreamed of having just one more baby. As I look back now to that time the desire of having another baby having never left me was like a whisper of the future. A whisper in my ear ... "There will be a chance to have another baby, don't give up on the things you want in this life. A time will come."
With that other thoughts and realizations have come to light. Everything I have asked for with an open and truly honest heart has come my way. EVERYTHING.
Every.
Thing.
Even in the hurt of divorce I asked for someone to love me come hell or high water. The other half of me. The one who would never put me second for any reason whatsoever. The one who would never ever try to find a reason why we could not be an us. In time he came to me. I didn't have to go searching. As did another sweet baby.
We were all set after Steven was born for Steve to have a vasectomy. It was a decision made and equally accepted by us both no questions asked. Hands down the end.
After Steven was born my heart changed. The idea of never having the ability or the choice to have another baby was one that I could not accept. The first time I said this to Steve I think I scared him. I was only a day or two home from the hospital and I was asking him for another baby. He road the fence for what seems like a very long time between having another baby and having a vasectomy. It has only been the past couple of weeks that he has voiced openly the desire for another baby.
We have decided we want to have another baby. We both desire another child. I have discussed it with my doctor and he suggested waiting 6 months then start trying. Steven will be 6 months in August. That is when we plan to start trying.
Having made that decision I am now afraid that this hunger for children will not be so easily satisfied. I am teary eyed now simply trying to write this.
Had I married more perfectly the first time I would have more children now. But back then I knew it wasn't wise to have more children with the person I was married to at the time. If Steve and I had met way back then (age not withstanding) and had married we might be like the Duggar family. I kid you not.
I want children. I want many children. I want Steve's children. I don't know when enough will be enough. I don't know how many more Steve will agree to but we have agreed on one more.
How do you know when you have come to the end? How do you decide no more babies? How do you come to terms with that ability, that part of your life is over and never will be again?
I am afraid of facing a time in my life when I no longer have a choice of having another baby. It is heartbreaking and it is like a wound that seems to be opening and won't close -even while we are planning this summer to start trying for another baby.
I am afraid of that time when it comes. I do know it is coming. I will be 40 this August and I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that day will come. Sooner or later and hopefully later than sooner. I thought I had dealt with it in the past and I find that I still have major issues.
I am afraid of the next baby being a special needs child because the statistics of downs syndrome being higher with older mothers and my age will be 40 this summer. I don't know if I am equipped to raise a special needs child. I do know if a diagnosis in pregnancy were to be made that I am not one who could have an abortion either. But that kind of fear comes with every pregnancy and most especially when planning a pregnancy. I do not mean to say anything to hurt anyone with a special needs child. Please forgive me if I do. But this is something I worry about and am afraid of and have been scared shitless to write in a sunday confession.
There are alot, MANY, women in the blogiverse who have documented their first pregnancy and almost as many who chronicle the second. Those who dare the third, fourth or fifth are not so many. The few that do, well, I can't bring myself to count most of them because, well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should. The spiteful snideness of many makes me cringe and I click the red X and never go back.
I am at a place in my life where few have been or ever will be. I have been or am currently a young mother, an older mother, a surrogate mother and a stepmother. At nearly forty (less than 4 month away from the big four oh) NOW is when I feel qualified to actually BE a mother. But NOW is also a time when things can go very wrong and getting pregnant can be very difficult.
If we had done anything by way of permanent birth control it would be a huge regret. I thought we were ready for it and I find I am the one who is not. At the time when Steve wasn't sure having another baby was something he wanted to do, knowing he might decide opposite of me just made me sick. Thinking about it caused white hot tears to lodge in my throat that no amount of swallowing would help dislodge.
I am always conscious of the role model I am for my girls. I want them to see the beauty and happiness of having children. I want them to witness the joy of expecting a baby. This I know I have done. My Gracie is such a joy to watch. Just last night she was at the table while Colby and I were preparing supper. She looked up from her homework when I said Steven had a doctor appointment Friday morning and would be getting five shots. She said, "If there was a way I could take the shots for him and give him the medicine I would take them. I don't like hearing him cry. I never want to see that precious boy hurting." *sob* That's my baby talking about my baby!
I have written all of this to say what the title of this post says. I want another baby. And I am afraid.
It is the same as Raehan wrote in the meme she posted at my request. I wonder what it will be like. Will I still want one more? Will I still be afraid?
Reahan, I am not your sister, but I am here to hold your hand through it one more time if that is the path you take. If I am blessed to walk it one more time I am going to need a hand to hold too. If we are walking it together at some point along the way we can be afraid together. There is strength in numbers.
We can hold hands across America and bump pregnant bellies and hips from coast to coast.
Who wants to join in?
**Updated to say: As I read this post to spell check it I realized I seem to be dwelling on my upcoming age of 40. I am not. I have worked hard to get here. I don't want to be young and dumb again. 40 has always been the magic age pounded into many of us women as the age when we should stop having babies. I blame much of my fear on the constant drilling of age related birth defects. I fear many other things about getting pregnant and having another baby but the huge fear that shadows over everything else is the one that combines the number 40 and the words birth defects in the same sentence.
This is a beautiful post. I too want another child but it's unlikely as my son's father has cancer.
My heart goes out to you. I send you blessings for a beautiful healthy baby to join your loving family.
I think wheather your 20, 30 or 40, wheather it's your first child your expecting or your 10th.. There is always some sort of fear there. I remember the first thing that came out of my mouth to my husband when I read that little positive sign was " I'm so scared" And again with my second pregnancy and again with my third.
I completley understand about wanting another child. I do too even though, right now I know it would not be wise. I'm having a hard enough time feeding the two I have * financially* You know that you have the means to do so and I say go for it. As for the chances of having a disabled child.. sure it would be difficult but you'd adjust just the same as you'd adjust to any of your other children.
I wish both you and Steve all the blessings in the world. I do not think 40 is "old" to be having babies. My aunt is 42 and just had her third child.
The more the merrier!
Good Luck!
We might not thnk of it as old but as early as age 35 women are diagnosed as "Advanced Maternal Age" when pregnant. Nice, huh?
Angie, of all the people I know or have ever heard of, if there is a person in the world qualified to birth a baby and raise it well (be it a special needs or not) you are it! Good for you for wanting to have another child, as long as Steven agrees. If it is meant to be - you will have it - and I have no doubt you will do it well!
I feel the twinge every now and again, especially now that I've remarried. I love both my children. My heart swells when I think of them. But, for several reasons, I know that it's best for me not to have any more. But if you feel the need, and Steve agrees, get busy (in August). Tryin' is the most fun, right?
Thank you, Angie. We'll hold hands and see what happens. I am one who would also not abort a special needs child and I feel like this next pregnancy, if it happens, is bigger, somehow more of a responsibility . I am 38.
But we can handle what life bring us with joy, I know.
I also plan to start trying this summer....June or so.
My sister just had a very healthy child at 40. A baby boy.
Did I say I am 38? I will turn 38 in June. I always do that to myself the few months before my birthday. Short-change myself.
Hi Angie, this is Raehan's sister. I love your post, I cried reading it while holding my 4-month old in my arms, warm and fidgety. My boy was conceived during the cycle that began on my 40th birthday. I remember weeping that birthday morning as I found my period had come, yet again, sure that this was the end or at least I was going to have to pursue extraordinary means if I wanted a child. I remember thinking, I'm over the hump, it's downhill from here. Luckily, my partner scolded me and refused to let me wallow, reminding me of so many new beginnings in our life at that time. And then I conceived. And then Jeremy was born. I accompanied your pregancy closely (as a lurker, sorry!)via my sister's blog, and now I read for updates on Stephen, two months younger than my son. Thanks for the inspiration and wisdom you've given to this first-time mom! And embrace 40 as full of new beginnings!
Oh, how about that, my sister was writing to you at the same time I was!
Well, I'm thinking I'm going to start trying in June for another baby. I have mixed feelings. I really would like to lose a few pounds before the second pregnancy. I did not like being pregnant. I have my hands full with three girls as it is. But I feel like Baby needs a little brother or sister, and deeper, my heart is telling me to do it. Oh yeah, and so is my family!
So yes, maybe we'll be pregnant together! :)
Mr. Bug always says that if he were younger we'd have more kids. Alas... he was not old when we met, but 11 years my senior and 2 is plenty for us. I cannot imagine starting over now. My mom had my only sister at 40 - they told mom that she'd be a downs syndrome baby, but she's not. She's a genius. Go figure! Do what is best for you. The good Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle.
xo
LBC
Wow. Thank you for writing this. It's official, I've fallen in love with you today. I just had my first at 35 and I think if life had been different knowing how much I LOVE being a mom, had I had the chance to have more children earlier I'd probably have a dozen now. (I know that was a poorly formed sentence, I'm distracted by a wailing baby.)
Aw, Angie! You are a fabulous mother and I hope you are able to have as many (healthy!) children as you want.
I knew I was done at two but there were MANY reasons for that. I have never felt a shadow of a doubt. That has made things a lot easier, because I DO remember what that longing was like before and after the boy child (my oldest) was born.
As far as special needs, I didn't take any offense whatsoever to what you said. I do hope you don't have to cross that bridge, but if you ever do, I am confident you will do it with grace. Your child is still your child, regardless of circumstances, and that love is just as strong. That love is what sees you through the really hard times when you are just so physically and emotionally wrung out from meeting your child's needs that you want to run screaming into the next county.
BTW, I was glad to see your most recent comment on my blog. I was not AT ALL thinking of you or anyone else who reads my blog when I wrote that post, so I am glad you didn't read it that way!
I firmly believe that, if you desire more children, you should try to have more. I am a mom of one, and one is enough for me. I adore my Nooze and can't imagine life without her. And please don't worry so much about having a special needs child. Regardless of the outcome, the child would be blessed beynod measure to have you as a mum. The proof is in your choice of a spouse - and how incredible your other children are.
It seems like there is always fear. I am almost paralyzed with fear embarking on my first baby! I worry all the time about something going wrong. Angie, what a beautiful testament to your relationship with Steve. You have created a wonderful family, and your children (now and future) are so blessed!
Good for you Angie. You and Steve are great parents and any baby you have is extrememly lucky. I want to find a great man like you have found and have lots and lots and lots of babies. I am 25 and have for as long as I could remember 8 kids. Yes 8 and I hope to have them someday!
Women who long for more babies? What is this world coming to?! ;~)
If I had stopped having babies after 40, the last 4 of my 11 children would have never graced this world with their gifts and love. What a woeful thought!
One of my dearest friends is a 19 year old young woman with Down's Syndrome. What a blessing her life has been to her family and friends!
I was hoping that Bonnie would see this post and comment on it. Yay for babies!
Angie, A Lurker Fan here, but wanted to share this with you from another blogger:http://lifeontheridge.com/blog/
"Did you know the new birthday to dread is 60? Forty is too soon. Fifty is not over the hill… not yet. No, sixty is the new dreaded birthday. At least that is what all the senior citizens said who passed my table." So that gives you 20 years before you need to have this conversation. I say Stevey needs a little brother to get into trouble with!
PS: My husband was born to a 45 year old mom, 50 years ago and he's just peachy!
I read this last night and cried but could not comment. I tried again this morning and still clicked away. Now I'm ready.
I am so happy for you Angie. I know you are and will be the most amazing mother -to all of your children. You have a natural gift for it.
I think you know how much I would like to be pregnant again. My biggest regret is thinking I knew it all at 28. I wish you had been there to shake some sense into me.
Hi Angie:
drive-by-reader via thewvsr....
I think you are wrong worrying about birthing a Down's child due to age.
It was always my impression the chances are raised due to age only if it is a FIRST child over 40. I could be wrong but still.
That said have you ever seen Natalie Merchant's video for "Wonder"? It's filled with beautiful faces knowing only love.
Drive-by commenter via thewvsr.com
Angie:
It's always been my impression that only FIRST mothers at 40+ have a higher rate of Down's.
I could be wrong.
We had 2 boys and I thought as I held my second newborn that I was done. It took 4 years, but we decided we did want a third. Our daughter was born in 2001 (I was advanced maternal age) just 6 days after my brother died of cancer. It was a difficult time coupled with the joy of a completed family. My husband had a vasectomy when our daughter was 2 months old. And I concieved our little Gracie about 4 months after that! Amazing Grace we call her. She is now 3 years old and a wonder to all of us.
I think wondering about your family size is something that we all do, and those of us fortunate enough not to have to struggle getting pregnant and staying pregnant just have to accept what happens. My sister has been unable to get pregnant in her six years of marriage and how horrible I felt when I got pregnant AFTER a vasectomy. Luckily, my sister is a wonderful aunt and never resented anything.
There is so much I want to say, so many times I thought yes, yes and yes. Horrified you would be worried about hurting or upsetting me re the whole special needs thing - this si going to sound weird but I think I always new I'd have a child with special needs somewhere in the mix - weird huh. Like I remember as a teenager looking at a kid w/special needs with a weird sense of resignation.
But dude, there's a reason there's been two CVS tests with subsequent pregnancies. I might be a parent with a special needs child, but I'm no freakin' martyr. And you know, I'm burning for another child. And it scares me so much that I'm going to somewhere in my heart say, 'that is it'. I am also yet to convice Chef another one is a good idea. As far as he's concerned we are done. Interesting times.
"NOW is when I feel qualified to actually BE a mother. But NOW is also a time when things can go very wrong and getting pregnant can be very difficult." ...these words ring very true... I had my first 8 wks before turning 40, and one semi-regret is the anxiety I and the medical world put me through regarding those danged statistics and all the things that can go wrong when you're over 35, especially if it's your first. So. I have a theory. It's all numbers. The majority of down's children are born to younger mothers (not a theory). It's just that there are so few women over 35 having babies that it throws the stats way off.
I am going to try to have another baby as well. Count me in!
Angie
What a beautiful post.
As for having another baby (or two, or three) I say go for it! I had two after I was the "advanced maternal age" of 35. I had the tests both times and all the chromosomes were just fine.
Of course, both of my children turned out kind of weird, but I don't think anyone is attributing that to my AMA. Looking at That Stud Muffin I Married and me? They'd have been mutants if they turned out normal.
Statistically, you have more difficulty conceiving after age 40, but it's probably helpful that your body already knows how to have babies. I did have two miscarriages before I had my first, at age 38, but had no difficulty after that--unless you count a C-section. :P
Again--go for it. If you ask me, the world needs more big happy families.
I followed the link to this beautiful post from Blogging Baby. I have a 12 month old and just started trying for another. I turned 40 in January. Since I wasn't sure until about a year before I got pregnant that I wanted children at all, I was sure one was going to be enough. It's been a rough year with a kid who doesn't sleep, coupled with breastfeeding after reduction surgery, but I knew about four months ago that I wanted a second baby. I'm scared too. We did CVS at eleven weeks last time and will do so again if we succeed in getting pregnant.
You said a lot of the things I have been thinking, far more eloquently than I ever could.
I'm not "advanced" in age yet being in my mid-30s. But my hubby was diagnosed with terminal cancer when my youngest was just 4-months old. Hubby is a fighter and still here 7 (SEVEN) years later... and there are still times I want another child. Of course, with all the chemo and radiation ... there is NO way, we can do that but... I think about it. Hang in there and enjoy trying! :-)