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May 15, 2006

Dear Angie

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Dear Angie,

I have a 12 year old step-daughter. She is beginning to take an interest in her appearance and clothing. Her mother does not provide her with trendy clothes. Most of her clothing is hand-me-downs or clothing from previous years. The clothing she already owns she has been wearing for a couple of years. This bothers me because even if the clothes can still be put on it doesn't mean they "fit". Shorts that were once mid-thigh are now daisy dukes but because she can still squeeze into them her mother has not bothered to buy her more than one or two new summer outfits in the past two or three years.

I buy outfits for her to keep here so that she is dressed 'in fashion' so to speak but we do not buy clothing to send home with her because 1)they do not come back or 2)she is sent to school in them several times before they are washed and 3)the clothes are never ironed and properly taken care of. She has come to us in clothing so wrinkled I could not iron the creases out. She has also come to us in unwashed clothes remarking her mother: "didn't feel like doing laundry this week".

Also my stepdaughter wants to wear her hair in different styles. By not looking a mirror and not using a brush or comb when making pigtails or ponytails she thinks her hair looks cute. Somedays when she asks me how she looks I want to cry. We have mirrors in our house she could use. She has a dresser with mirror in her bedroom. She just doesn't use it. Why?!?

When she is with us I help her. She is well dressed, clean and her hair combed. When she is not with us she is often dressed salvation army style. Her hair is rarely washed. She most likely has not had a bath in several days. It hurts my husband to see her this way. He pays a small fortune in child support monthly. By looking at his child you can assume it is not spent on her or her clothing.

The mother is remarried. The household has two fulltime working adults and no other children to support.

How can I help my stepdaughter? How can I help her fit in at school with other girls when there is no support from the other side? I do not want her to be the girl that is laughed at or talked about or not chosen as a friend because of what she wears. I also do not want the opposite of this because of what she does wear. Do you know what I mean?

What would you do faced with my situation?

Help!
Stumbling Stepmother

Dear Stumbling,

First off I want to know who you are and why are you living my life?

Secondly, what the mother does and doesn't do isn't your affair. Stay out of it. If your husband takes a notion to discuss it with her STAY OUT OF IT. Believe me, you do not want the problems that come with telling another woman how to raise her child. It is sad but true.

Thirdly, at the age of 12 your stepdaughter is old enuogh to know she needs to bathe daily. She is old enough to know when her hair needs washing. If she is taking an interest in fashion and her appearance this is your chance to teach her a few basics. Perhaps you and your husband could sit her down and have a talk about hygeine and school yard gossip.

Continue to help her by influencing her in good ways. Put together a toiletry bag with scented shower gel or soap, a good shampoo and conditioner, deoderant, a brush and comb set, a mirror and to make it more fun add a colorless lips gloss and delicately scented perfume for a girl her age, maybe even a nail polish. I would start with clear or a pale color. Show her what she needs to know while she is with you and pray your influence is strong when she is away. Remember to encourage the good habits and down play the bad.

The clothing issue is another tough call. Provide for the child while she is in your care. Hope for the best when she is with her mother. At best begin teaching her how to wash her clothing and if necessary how to use an iron. You might want to have her help you with her laundry so she will learn how to properly take care of her clothes herself. My girls learned to iron by practising on pillow cases, sheets and old shirts.

I would love to tell you so many other things to do but in all honesty you will be stirring up a ton of trouble with the mother. Even with the best of intentions and said in the nicest way the exwife will most likely resent being told anything by the new wife. Be thankful you have been put in the child's life and can teach her things she would most likely miss out on in any other circumstance.

I am sorry I can't really help you much more with this one. Good luck to you.

Dear Angie,

Your post the other day was pretty harsh. I am a working mother and my chld is in day care. I liked you before but I now think you are mean.

A Very Sad Fan

Dear Sad Fan,

Cherry up. Just because I think something doesn't mean you have to think the same way. Yes, I can be harsh. I see black and white and very few grey areas in most cases.

But I will clarify what I was trying to say before.

There is nothing at all wrong with structured pre-school and mommy day out programs. Those are very healthy for mother and child a few hours at the time.

Mother who have no choice those women break my heart. I know the sadness and ache of leaving your child in order to earn money to put food on the table.

I have trouble with working moms who don't have to work and keep their children in daycare all the time.

Example: MotherX worked full time. She did not have too. She put her child in daycare. The child was taken to daycare at just after 6am and not picked up until the last minute at just before 6pm. Even on the days the mother had off. She then had the nerve to complain about the child being fussy and whining and difficult every evening and blah blah blah and yack yack yack until I wanted to slap her.

I ran across a few blogs a while back. The writers bitched and moaned about the child and the whining and how it was getting on their nerves and how they wished there was such a thing as weekend daycare. Also a few comments on bedtime didn't come quick enough.

Let's take inventory here: 12 hours in daycare. 10 hours sleeping. 2 hours with the strange woman who calls herself the mama.

I would be a cranky whiney kid too. The mother is a stranger. The people at the daycare where all the time is spent are the people the child has developed a relationship with.

Why bother to have kids at all?

So you can call me mean. I probably am most days. But unless you are one of those women in the example I'll probably still like you a lot. And think you are pretty.

Disclaimer: Responses to letters to Dear Angie are solely the opinion of Angie. Don't take things too seriously. Angie takes everything with a grain of salt added.

Send letters to Dear Angie at bigredcouch at gmail dot com.

Posted by Angie at May 15, 2006 08:09 AM

Comments

Posted by: Jackie at May 15, 2006 10:57 AM

Posted by: InterstellarLass at May 15, 2006 01:55 PM

Posted by: M'Kay at May 15, 2006 04:43 PM

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Posted by: Raehan at May 15, 2006 11:54 PM