Mothering

This is probably going to cost me alot of readers. And that is okay. This is my journal. This is where I write what I think and feel. Alot of this is past due to be said. So I am saying it. Sometimes the truth hurts. In August of 1986 I got pregnant for the very first time. I was excited yet somewhat afraid. I anticipated the birth of this baby inside me wondering how on earth I was going to raise another human being. Through those months of preparing for the birth, decorating the nursery, choosing a name, I found the answer to the question. When the time came I let the baby lead me. I let her show me what she needed and wanted for first few days and weeks. As I learned my natural instincts took over. Maybe it is because I was exposed to babies throughout my growing up years. Maybe it is because all I ever wanted to be was a momma with lots of little babies. Maybe it is because this is who I am supposed to be. Maybe it is because I am stubborn and don't like to be told what to do. Those could be the answer. The question is: Why do so many woman seem to need books, magazines, articles and websites to be able to raise their children? And with that question I want to know why is that women who seem to want to write the books, magazines, articles and websites also give off an aire that they don't raise their children well and often seem to neglect their child while they perfect their craft of writing about parenting? I also want to know what in the hell gives some of these women with babies and no experience whatsoever in the toddler, young childhood, tween, teen and early adulthood stages the idea that they have advice we all need? They know shit about shit and just blow their own horn in some attempt to draw attention in the "look at me, look at me" toddler fashion. It pisses me off, heh, truthfully it makes me fucking angry, that these women think they have something to tell me (and many of you) when I (we) have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and watched the damn thing become riddled with holes from old age. There seems to be some huge intellectual cult of women out there who are mothers and need a book to figure out how to parent their child. Let me tell you something if you need a book to tell you how to parent how do you expect to mother your child? Mothering and parenting are two different things. I am not saying I know everything. If I did I would be qualified to write the book. I am not saying my way is the perfect way. Believe me perfection is not mainstream here. The way I was raised was that when you had a baby you bucked up, buckled down and did right by your child. You set limits and bounderies and you had some common sense about what to expect and how to handle the pit falls. You grew up and took full responsibility for yourself and the child. Putting the child's needs far above your own. We women can have it all. But at some point there is an expense to be paid in some area. No one has declared that to be whole and fulfilled you must have it all. Some mothers have to work and that is a situation where I do not consider it as 'having it all'. For those who choose to work and let others raise their children simply because they need to be 'fulfilled' you make me hang my head in shame. Going to work and leaving your baby with a daycare or a sitter or a nanny is the easy way out. Staying home and taking responsiblity for the life that has been given for your care is the tougher, harder, more challenging road. When you have the choice to stay home and you choose to leave home and to work and then write about the anxiety of leaving your child all day, to put it simply, you are nothing but a selfish bitch and you don't deserve to have that child waiting for you to return. My heart breaks for all the women who have no choice and have to go to a job everyday to be able to provide for their family. If this were a perfect world and I was the billionaire I wished I were this is where being the quiet benefactor would be so rewarding. People qualified to give advice are women like Bonnie (12 babies), my ex mother-in-law (God rest her soul) (9 babies), my grandmother (6 Babies) and so many more. So suddenly what makes pill popping, nervous breakdown waiting to happen, first time mothers, mothers to small children with no experience with older children, dysfunctional, whining, never satisfified, complainers, etc, etc, etc, the icon of knowledge that the upcoming generation of young mothers is supposed to hold up as an example? This internet thing is a strange yet fascinating place. (It is no secret I met my husband through this media.) The women who should be garnering fame and glory (not to mention $$) go ignored and overlooked by all of the powers that be. If the current 'icons' are the only example my daughters had to follow I would hang my head in shame. I am thinking I must be the oddity in this here life. I have a daughter who will be 19 next week. She has never been in trouble. She has never done anything to make me ashamed of her. She has both feet planted firmly on solid ground. Her head is filled with dreams and plans for a sweet life. She doesn't want to conquer the world but she has the skills and the intelligence to do so if she wanted to. Being a mother is important to her. I know she will be an awesome momma. I have an 8 year old daughter who even now is determined to conquer the world. I have to keep a slightly tighter reign on her. She is strong and smart and funny. She knows the limits and bounds and has never crossed them. She has a guilt streak a mile wide and it will eat her alive if she doesn't do right by those with less than she has. I have an 11 year old step-daughter. I have set the bar and the example in a life where there was no example for mothering and being allowed to enjoy being female. I have had to reteach alot of thinking and very bad child rearing that put a tabu palor on being a girl. She is a child who is learning to celebrate being female and enjoying all of the possibilties that being a woman means. I was a surrogate mother. I carried an embryo to full term. I gave birth to a baby boy who is absolutly amazing. I love him dearly but I am not his mother. I have never had the instinct to mother him. Never. His mother is my best friend. She has never tried to withhold him from me. I have never tried to take him from her. It was the most incredible experience of my life. One which I think has had major influence on my ability to love unconditionally. 3 months shy of 20 years of being a parent I have a 3 month old son. A beautiful boy who is so sweet and so good. Having a baby I the house hasn't stopped all normal functioning. Life goes on and he comes with the flow - meals are cooked, laundry is washed, floors are swept, grass is cut, internet is surfed, websites are launched, among a million other things and he has learned to cope with them all. I am hoping and praying and planning for another pregnancy this summer. I want to do it all again. I am battling with the knowledge that having one more baby will not satisfy this urge in me. One more will never be enough. I know if I have another I will still always want one more. I don't need advice. I don't need someone to pat me on the back. I don't need a pat on the head either that is for dogs. I understand many woman do need advice and want advice. Those that do I sincerely beg them to look to older woman who have had much experience and loads of common sense. The rockstar bloggers who are now the icons for modern motherhood and parenting are setting up a lot of young women for major pitfalls and emotional troubles in this life. Motherhood is to be revered. It is the hardest job and the biggest responsiblity a woman will ever undertake. Doing it well takes a lot of effort. We each have to find our on way down the path but it is not a path we take alone. It is not a path that has never been traveled before we take our trip down it. It is a path that can be lined with sweet scented flowers and a lots of thorny branches. To set an example, to do this thing every day with grace requires respect. Respect for yourself and your child. Protecting their dignity and setting a moral example. To all the young woman who may run across this peice please take a tiny bit of advice before leaving here. Show respect for your children. Show respect for yourself. Leave your footprints each day knowing you have done so with dignity. You must protect the dignity of your children. Don't use a blog to gain some sense of the 15 minutes of fame by selling your children's dignity for a few laughs and full comments box. I am just rambling here. Hitting and missing many targets along the way of these thoughts and emotions that are swirling in my head. There are several points that probably need clarification. Leave your thoughts in the comments area and I'll reply to them. ******* The answer to the game show quiz? 3 days. Actually 3 hours shy of 3 days old. Jennifer and Jak are the winners! In all fairness since Donna is a winner too. She guessed 2 days. She is correct because he didn't turn 3 days until 3 hours later. Send me your snail mail address and I'll send you your prizes, Ladies! :-)