« Oh, No He Didn't! | Main | Take Another Tack »
May 04, 2006
What I didn't tell you
I didn't tell you that Steve worked for the little company he helped build from this past November until March without pay. Yes, WITHOUT pay. He did everything he could to save the little company but it wasn't his to save. With the bank account VERY low he finally entertained an offer and accepted a PAYING job with another company.
I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. It was an even bigger sigh when a month later a paycheck finally came through.
During that time he had offers that would move us to New York. "No, thank you, we are very happy in Virginia. Plus my daughter lives here and I have obligations and visitation weekly. I won't do anything to disrupt that," he would tell them.
He had several very interesting calls from Microsoft which would require relocation to Redmond, Washington. "No, thank you, we are very happy in Virginia. Plus my daughter lives here and I have obligations and visitation weekly. I won't do anything to disrupt that," he would tell them.
California - "No, thank you, we are very happy in Virginia. Plus my daughter lives here and I have obligations and visitation weekly. I won't do anything to disrupt that," he would tell them.
And on it went. Even one that made me weep so deeply inside it was hard to hide it from the eyes around me.
Savannah, Georgia - "No, thank you, we are very happy in Virginia. Plus my daughter lives here and I have obligations and visitation weekly. I won't do anything to disrupt that," he told them.
*Sob*
*Weep*
*Crying Like A Baby*
Savannah, Georgia would have been an hour or so away from "back home". Where my momma and all of my family lives.
"Maybe one day when all the kids are gone and we are ready to downsize we can find a place and move you back to Georgia," he has been known to tell me.
Sometimes I wonder if he does it to humor me and make me feel not so lost for the place I know and love.
Yesterday when he came home from work having picked up J. for the weekly Wednesday night visitation he looked like hell. He was a man destroyed and chanced by a demon.
I took him aside and tried to find out what had happened so suddenly that had aged him 10 years and left him shaking and near tears.
When he opened his mouth and the words came out it was like a needle scraped across a record. I came to a screeching halt.
His ex is planning to move.
Wait for it .....
to M******* F***n' Savannah, Georgia.
Taking J. with her.
It seems her husband has an offer or either his job is moving I didn't get a clear clarification of which. Not that I really give a rats ass anyway.
Steve has sacrificed and done everything possible to stay in his child's life. I can't tell you all the small things he has done and said no to because it would interfere in his ability to see his daughter every Wednesday night (taking her to school on Thursday morning) and every other weekend.
Steve is a dedicated father and family man. He makes sacrifices that our girls have no idea he makes just to maintain a steady, supportive, reasonably predictable home life. Not to mention the extra 10 - 12 hours of commuting he does to pickup and return J. according to his divorce and custody agreement.
I cannot comfort him. I cannot soothe him.
We discussed this for hours last night. J. will never choose to live with him full time. She is where she wants to be -with her mother. While it is comforting to think such a thing might happen I cannot foresee it happening with us. She really doesn't consider this home. Where she lives 90% of the time is home to her. Which is very natural. I have no problem with that. We have a made a home here and she shares it with us.
He can fight it. But is a long drawn out court battle what he wants J. to see? I honestly believe that would be futile. I believe a judge would award full custody to his ex and let her move out of the state because her husband has provided a very stable and structured lifestyle for J. these past (almost) two years. For which Steve is ever grateful and thankful for. That is one reason he doesn't have to worry about her welfare as much as he once did.
I listened to what he had to say. I offered my opinion ONLY when he asked for it. It came out sounding like I wasn't on his side.
I simply said I thought he would lose a court battle. There is nothing in these past 2 years that would significantly cause a judge to alter the standing custody agreement to his favor. Did he want J. to see the ugliness from both sides? Did he want her heaped with guilt and blame by her mother? Wouldn't it be better to send her off, knowing how much she is loved, knowing she is happy and looking forward to the move? Did he want to send her off crying, sad, and hating the new life she would have? Isn't it MORE important that J. remain stable and happy and excited and looking forward to changes?
This morning he agrees he should give his consent, as he holds joint custody, for taking her out of the state.
There is nothing left to do but work out the details of summer visitation, winter and spring breaks.
Why do I feel like with my thoughts and words last night that I have somehow betrayed my husband?
Posted by Angie at May 4, 2006 07:44 AM
Comments
Oh, Angie, what a situation to be in. Steve can hold his head up for being an excellent dad to her (many are not) and it is not one bit fair for the other parent to move the kid out of state. I wish you had known about this before he turned down the job in Savannah. Could he call them back and say that things have changed?
Posted by: kenju at May 4, 2006 08:49 AM
Oh Angie, you are so right you have not betrayed him at all but opened his eyes to the awful court system. Maybe Steve can look for a job in Savannah and you guys could move down there. You would be closer to your family and you guys would be closer to J! It would be perfect! Good Luck!
Posted by: kate at May 4, 2006 10:23 AM
Oh dear. That is an awful situation. But, you've offered the best advice. I don't think you betrayed Steve at all. You were honest, and that's not betrayal.
The good thing about jobs are that there's a lot of 'em.
Posted by: InterstellarLass at May 4, 2006 11:41 AM
What a horrible thing for the ex-wife to spring on you WHEN YOU ALL COULD HAVE LIVED IN THE SAME AREA.
You didn't betray Steven.
Posted by: Susie Sunshine at May 4, 2006 11:43 AM
An offer could come from Savannah in the future. I bet it will. Of course it will.
You did the right thing. Lying to him would have been the betrayal. Trust is about truth. You are there to guide him, just as he is to guide you.
Posted by: Raehan at May 4, 2006 01:07 PM
Sometimes it is just painful to be the voice of reason. It is going to take an effort on both their parts to keep the bond strong, but no doubt Steve is more than willing to go the extra mile. He put his daughter's well being first and he knows you are on his side. I'm sorry this is happening, and hope in some bizarre twist of fate it turns into a road you need to travel to get to where you all want to be. Planting roots is not hard, it is finding the right garden.
Posted by: Hope at May 4, 2006 01:10 PM
Big hugs to you and to your husband and family.
You are not betraying him, his ex-wife is.
Posted by: liz at May 4, 2006 04:07 PM
Oh Angie, you were able to put a little bit of distance between you and the situation and see what was likely to happen. It is so hard, but in time I'm sure that Steve will be grateful for your common sense and strength.
This breaks my heart, though. Is there no way to call the Savannah company back?
Posted by: halloweenlover at May 4, 2006 04:11 PM
Put yourself in his place for a second. Would you give up your daughter without a fight?
He doesn't have to fight for full custody but he could fight for more time in the summer, spring break and holidays.
You said he was offered a job in Savanna, Couldn't he reapply for it?
Posted by: Jack at May 4, 2006 05:13 PM
Steven is a good dad to all his children. It's too bad that his ex-wife is putting her needs ahead of her child's. Try not to second-guess yourself too much. What you said was honest and came from what you believe would be best for J. There's bound to be tension between the two of you about this. Listen to each other with open minds and don't forget how much you both love each other, and how painful this must be for the whole family. xoxo
Posted by: Miz S at May 4, 2006 08:30 PM
Ang,
I have been thinking about you all day. Of course you did not betray him, honey. I believe that you have a firm grasp on the full picture and that you offered your very wise and loving take on it.
Fortunately Steven is a brilliant and very talented man married to the most wonderful woman alive. If such a pair cannot conquer the world, I honestly don't know who can.
xo
Posted by: MommaK at May 4, 2006 09:51 PM
You are a wise counsel to your husband. I can't imagine the pain of not only having to live apart from one's child but to have to live so very far apart!! Steve (and maybe the rest of the family also) will grieve at the distance for a bit, but life has a way of smoothing things out.
Keep faith and keep your encouraging words whispering to his heart.
~K!
Posted by: Kismet at May 5, 2006 12:34 AM
You did not betray your husband. Sadly, no advise that you gave him would be of comfort at this time. You needed to be honest with him, no matter how hard it was for either of you.
Considering what great parents you both are, I can not imagine this turning out badly. You both seem to have an incredible knack for putting positive spins on very negative experiences. It is going to work out.
Posted by: renn at May 5, 2006 05:19 AM
All I can do is offer big big hugs to all of you.
Posted by: Jennifer at May 5, 2006 09:31 PM
Angie, that is heartbreaking. My husband was in the same position for years. Luckily, his ex-wife gave us the kids when she moved.
I feel for you and your husband. And who knows? Maybe he'll get another offer from Savannah.
I'm from Georgia, too. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything works out like it's supposed to.
Posted by: Lucinda at May 6, 2006 10:40 PM