BFF

In elementary school my very best friend through thick and thin was a girl named Kim. She had the life I wanted to have if I had to have divorced parents and a stepfather. Kim lived with her mother and stepfather. She and her little brother visited her father in Florida every summer. Her stepfather was so kind and good and her mother hadn't been too long had a baby when she started school with us. She had the stepfather I wished I had been lucky enough to get but some of it was a little icky too, almost too nice and eventually I found to be too close for comfort. (For example when she turned 13 and was able to shave her legs the entire family gathered in the bathroom and her stepfather taught her how to shave her legs and did the entire job for her the first time. That always squicked me out big time.) (Umm, Kim, if you ever find this and realize it is you well, uh, sorry, but it was/is icky to my mindset.) Other than that her stepfather was great. He took her places. He did cool things with her, for her, with their family. He was nice and you just knew he didn't drink or cuss and would never hit, slap, or punch anyone, especially not his family, wife and kids. She and I grew apart. It was mostly because her mother got a job with the school board and suddenly she was different. She began to act highfalutin. Over time we parted ways. We were still in all of the same classes throughout high school we just never did more than a passing "hi" and "see you tomorrow" kind of thing. She never seemed to act as if my friendship was important to her either. In 7th grade a new girl started school. She was sent to the wrong class, my class. As we looked over her schedule we discovered she was not only in the wrong class but the wrong grade level. I was the one chosen to escort her to the proper class. Later we pleasantly discovered that we were on the same school bus and then even more excitedly she got off the bus within a mile of my house. A new best friendship was born and lasted all through high school. Around the end of high school I got tired of her having to have her way all of the time. I stopped excusing her bitch behavior and spoiled attitude. The friendship fell apart after that. While we had been best friends, she was a tedious girl and made me tired. Once I cut the strings she never tried to contact me. So, again, I presume that the friendship never meant much to her. Just after my 17th birthday I was introduced to a young woman who was married, had a baby and was the manager of a self-service gas station. While I waited to turn 18 so I could legally be employed by the corporation we became friends. It was a relationship that never had a middle or an end. Wherever we left off today we could pick right back up tomorrow, next week or 2 years down the road. Time meant nothing to us. We saw each other through so many ups and downs. As I look back some of the things we survived together makes me almost speechless. It was some tough sh*t on both sides that we helped one another through. For 20 years she was my best friend. She was my only friend in many ways. I loved her like I have never loved another friend. She passed away in 2002. My best friend was gone. It never hit me until when I was asked not long ago who was my oldest and very best friend. My oldest best friend is ... I no longer have one... She is deceased. Steve, of course, is my best friend, lover, husband, father of my children, but it is not the same thing (and you women know this) as a best girl friend. I have spent the last couple of weeks sort of in a funk because you know what? How sad is it not to have that person who has known you forever and a day? Since moving to Virginia, from a rural farm life, to a townhouse community that would rival the United Nations, where people kept to themselves and were not in the least interested in a middle aged (yikes) white woman as a friend. There were even a black and a hispanic neighbor who were ugly about having a white friend and a bi-racial jewish neighbor that shunned the idea of being friends with a christain. They all were polite but ugly in a way that left it clear that you are an outsider, uninvited, and tolerated in their presence. It was a very odd position to be in because the racial tension was clear. And, yes, it was racial tension. To the extreme in those cases mentioned. Moving to where we live now I have made aquaintences but not friends. There is a 74 year old neighbor lady who I love dearly. She however is not best friend material. She and her husband keep to themselves pretty much. There are a couple of women in our village but because I will not attend the village church (for reasons I won't discuss, it is just bad manners) I get the feeling of being an outsider. Steve is not very social. He is very uncomfortable in crowds. He doesn't try to meet new people nor does he care about having friends. He interacts with many people at work and gets all the socialization he needs during his day. He doesn't seem to understand my want of couples type friends. Once he even asked why I would need any other friends if I have him. It was a comment/question I tried to respond to but could never make him understand. He still doesn’t. I have joined and volunteered in some historical venues with the hopes of meeting people, women, my age, who live locally and hopefully will find a kindred spirit, a friend, someone who shares my interests and hobbies. I wonder if my idea of a best friend, one who has known me through the good and the bad since my teen years, is a thing of the past and something I will never find again. Does this sound depressing? It is not meant to be. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I guess what I am trying to say is that I want someone to go have a cup of coffee with, or go shopping with, or sit on my back deck with and drink a whole bottle of red wine and giggle like school girls with. I want someone around who isn't only nice to me because of something I can do that they want me to do for them. I need a real life, in the flesh, look me in the eye, female friend. I feel horrid for saying so when I have the most dearest online friend in the world. I am blessed to have met so many wonderful people online. I am blessed to have developed incredibly close friendships and relationships that would have otherwise been impossible without the internet. Those friendships are very hard to explain to those who don't understand this world we have created in cyberspace. You have no idea how much knowing you all are out there means to me. Who is your dearest and best friend in the world?