I See Dead People*

As I sat late with the baby finally drifting off to sleep in my lap I flipped open the laptop left on by one of the girls. I randomly opened a blog saved in my bookmarks and furthered my random survey by clicking on a link in that personas blogroll and so on until I found myself on a blog with someone completing a meme. One of the questions answered was along the lines of "If there was anyone you could return from the dead who would you choose?" and the writer answered, "My Dad." It is this that I know planted a seed that manifested itself in a dream. My father is deceased. He passed away when I was 13. I went to the funeral (with my stepfather who was both gracious and a complete ass at the same time.) In the dream I was living in a community, old, with the look of photos from the 1960's. You know that yellow aged looked and slight cracking of those perfectly square black and white just getting into color film era? I was in a house were I could look out from my front porch and see the neighbors but they couldn't as easily see me. So any way ... There was this man over there. I knew him but I knew it couldn't be HIM because he is and was deceased. I was speaking to someone and I could only refer to him as "HIM" for several reasons. Eventually this person at my house that I was talking to convinced me to go over and find out if it was indeed him. It was him! Up close he looked like his brother that I had seen in photos of me as a toddler. We talked and talked. He hugged me. He answered all the questions I ever had. I woke up feeling as if an emotional weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I cannot remember any of the questions I asked but one. I cannot remember any of the answers he gave. I had asked him about other siblings and he first refused to answer than said there was another girl and a boy. But this I know in reality is not true. I am the oldest. My sister is the youngest. We are the only two. To say that I have a lot of baggage where my father is concerned would be mild. There are things I think I have dealt with and have them behind me and without warning they creep up in front of me again. There is really nothing I can do to create closure in this part of my life. There is no one who can speak for him and the decisions he made. At times I feel a huge sense of loss for things I will never know. I can't even put into words the things I want to know. I want to know what it is to be a daughter of a father. I am a daughter of a mother. I have never at any point in my life been a daughter to a father. My stepfather made no secret of the fact he was not my father and didn't want to be and had no intentions of being. I was 9 years old when my mother married him. It took less than a month to figure out he was never going to be the father I longed for. So, here I am again, trying to put old dogs to rest. They will sleep awhile and someday, soon or far, they will wake again, rise up and fill me with questions only one can answer and that one is gone. Maybe after 40 years this is the part where I put away childish things, grow up and accept the fact there will be no answers and to keep asking them is just beating a dead horse. Then again maybe not. The satisfaction and relief of the dream that lingered for days after have now passed. For those short few days a sense of peace filled me as I had never known. It sure was good while it lasted. *Name that movie.