Angie: April 2006 Archives

As a child I knew I wanted to be a mother. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grown up?" It was (is) the only thing I could (can) say with pure honesty when asked. You may recall this past year when I wrote about my pregnancy I wrote knowing that it would be my last pregnancy, my last baby. I was very sure. I had come full circle in my life and went into my marriage with Steve and later this last pregnancy fully reconciled to that fact. Even back when I had first divorced and really saw no other man in my future I dreamed of having just one more baby. As I look back now to that time the desire of having another baby having never left me was like a whisper of the future. A whisper in my ear ... "There will be a chance to have another baby, don't give up on the things you want in this life. A time will come." With that other thoughts and realizations have come to light. Everything I have asked for with an open and truly honest heart has come my way. EVERYTHING. Every. Thing. Even in the hurt of divorce I asked for someone to love me come hell or high water. The other half of me. The one who would never put me second for any reason whatsoever. The one who would never ever try to find a reason why we could not be an us. In time he came to me. I didn't have to go searching. As did another sweet baby. We were all set after Steven was born for Steve to have a vasectomy. It was a decision made and equally accepted by us both no questions asked. Hands down the end. After Steven was born my heart changed. The idea of never having the ability or the choice to have another baby was one that I could not accept. The first time I said this to Steve I think I scared him. I was only a day or two home from the hospital and I was asking him for another baby. He road the fence for what seems like a very long time between having another baby and having a vasectomy. It has only been the past couple of weeks that he has voiced openly the desire for another baby. We have decided we want to have another baby. We both desire another child. I have discussed it with my doctor and he suggested waiting 6 months then start trying. Steven will be 6 months in August. That is when we plan to start trying. Having made that decision I am now afraid that this hunger for children will not be so easily satisfied. I am teary eyed now simply trying to write this. Had I married more perfectly the first time I would have more children now. But back then I knew it wasn't wise to have more children with the person I was married to at the time. If Steve and I had met way back then (age not withstanding) and had married we might be like the Duggar family. I kid you not. I want children. I want many children. I want Steve's children. I don't know when enough will be enough. I don't know how many more Steve will agree to but we have agreed on one more. How do you know when you have come to the end? How do you decide no more babies? How do you come to terms with that ability, that part of your life is over and never will be again? I am afraid of facing a time in my life when I no longer have a choice of having another baby. It is heartbreaking and it is like a wound that seems to be opening and won't close -even while we are planning this summer to start trying for another baby. I am afraid of that time when it comes. I do know it is coming. I will be 40 this August and I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that day will come. Sooner or later and hopefully later than sooner. I thought I had dealt with it in the past and I find that I still have major issues. I am afraid of the next baby being a special needs child because the statistics of downs syndrome being higher with older mothers and my age will be 40 this summer. I don't know if I am equipped to raise a special needs child. I do know if a diagnosis in pregnancy were to be made that I am not one who could have an abortion either. But that kind of fear comes with every pregnancy and most especially when planning a pregnancy. I do not mean to say anything to hurt anyone with a special needs child. Please forgive me if I do. But this is something I worry about and am afraid of and have been scared shitless to write in a sunday confession. There are alot, MANY, women in the blogiverse who have documented their first pregnancy and almost as many who chronicle the second. Those who dare the third, fourth or fifth are not so many. The few that do, well, I can't bring myself to count most of them because, well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should. The spiteful snideness of many makes me cringe and I click the red X and never go back. I am at a place in my life where few have been or ever will be. I have been or am currently a young mother, an older mother, a surrogate mother and a stepmother. At nearly forty (less than 4 month away from the big four oh) NOW is when I feel qualified to actually BE a mother. But NOW is also a time when things can go very wrong and getting pregnant can be very difficult. If we had done anything by way of permanent birth control it would be a huge regret. I thought we were ready for it and I find I am the one who is not. At the time when Steve wasn't sure having another baby was something he wanted to do, knowing he might decide opposite of me just made me sick. Thinking about it caused white hot tears to lodge in my throat that no amount of swallowing would help dislodge. I am always conscious of the role model I am for my girls. I want them to see the beauty and happiness of having children. I want them to witness the joy of expecting a baby. This I know I have done. My Gracie is such a joy to watch. Just last night she was at the table while Colby and I were preparing supper. She looked up from her homework when I said Steven had a doctor appointment Friday morning and would be getting five shots. She said, "If there was a way I could take the shots for him and give him the medicine I would take them. I don't like hearing him cry. I never want to see that precious boy hurting." *sob* That's my baby talking about my baby! I have written all of this to say what the title of this post says. I want another baby. And I am afraid. It is the same as Raehan wrote in the meme she posted at my request. I wonder what it will be like. Will I still want one more? Will I still be afraid? Reahan, I am not your sister, but I am here to hold your hand through it one more time if that is the path you take. If I am blessed to walk it one more time I am going to need a hand to hold too. If we are walking it together at some point along the way we can be afraid together. There is strength in numbers. We can hold hands across America and bump pregnant bellies and hips from coast to coast. Who wants to join in? **Updated to say: As I read this post to spell check it I realized I seem to be dwelling on my upcoming age of 40. I am not. I have worked hard to get here. I don't want to be young and dumb again. 40 has always been the magic age pounded into many of us women as the age when we should stop having babies. I blame much of my fear on the constant drilling of age related birth defects. I fear many other things about getting pregnant and having another baby but the huge fear that shadows over everything else is the one that combines the number 40 and the words birth defects in the same sentence.

You know how the beautician always has messy hair because there's not time to fix her own hair? You know how the guy who does yard work for a living needs to hire someone to do his yard work? Well, this is me. I can envision something lovely for most of the journals I read however I can't envision my own something lovliness. Help! What should I do for graphics here?

... well, like I need another hole in my head ... and it has nothing to do with pouring sense into my head. Remember back when I first got pregnant with Steven and the dentist decided I had two wisdom teeth that needed to come out? Today is the day they come out. I am off to have 2 giant teeth ripped out of my head. What a great day ahead of me, isn't it? Because afterward? 1. I have a baby who will still want to nurse every few hours -because he refuses to take a bottle at all. No bottle EVER. 2. No prescription strength pain relievers because I am breast feeding a baby and that stuff gets into your milk. 3. First thing tomorrow morning I have a seminar for training to be a walmart-style greeter at the Civil War Battlefield near my home. It is an all day long seminar with no pain killers. 4. While I am at the seminar, Steve and Colby will be home with the baby who won't be happy his momma is not home and will either cry all day or will give in and take a bottle. 5. Being woke by a baby every two hours or so all night long is very much like chinese torture. Some days I think it would be easier to just sit up all night than to be woke up just minutes after you fell asleep. 6. At 5:13pm today my baby boy will be 2 months old. How can this be?