Angie: January 2007 Archives

I have been busy in my kitchen making sure Steve and the girls have good meals as they always have. I won't be one of those people who makes everyone else do without just because I can't eat everything they can. I have made desserts and not eaten one bite. I have made mashed potatoes and not eated any of them. I served garlic bread with their spaghetti dinner and did not even care to have a piece. I don't know if it is willpower, determination to succeed or the fact that I am suffering loss of appetite for those types of things. I have been experimenting with ways to make my recipes low carb and maintain the full flavor. I have posted on my recipe journal 3 new recipes that I have cooked since last weekend. Chicken Alfredo, Macaroni and Cheese and Boneless Buffalo Bites, all made as low carb as I can get it. If you can get the carb count lower than I have please show me how! I have sampled a no calorie/no carb ketchup and the review is up on the Low Carb Market journal if you are a ketchup lover like the people in my house. I find when I am solitary in the kitchen and the house is quiet except for the sounds I make and hissing of the pots and pans and the crackle of the woodstove that my thoughts flow freely and I write journal entries in my head. When it is time to settle down with the laptop the thoughts do not come as easy. I want to tell you about being a child and wanting to be fat and unnoticable. I want to tell you about being a teenager and feeling aweful about being fat and wanting to change but knowing my layer of fat was my blanket of protection between me and the rest of the world. I want to tell you about the abuse at the hands of adults and how eating gave me joy and pleasure in those miserable days. I want to tell you about my non-existant relationship with my father and my wanting to be held and loved. I want to tell you about my mother and the anger I have been bottling up the past few weeks but I don't want you to judge her and think she is bad because - well, she is my mother and I love her despite her faults and what I see as her short comings in my childhood. I want to tell you about my ex-husband and how I grew to not love him or anything about him and the ugly shame and lies that surround his filthy self. I want to tell you about coming to terms with me and my body and loving me for who I am for so many years. About how happy I have been to be me at any size. I want to explain my desire now to come to terms with all of this and put it away for one last time, shedding it all as I shed these pounds that seem to haunt me day and night. The thoughts come muddy this morning. I am struggling with it. Eventually I will get there.

I am amazed by the number of Angie's and Angela's I have run across in the past week. Several of you have blogs and a few of you do not. I haven't been around so many Angie's since I was in high school! There were 4 or 5 five of us in my graduating class not to mention a couple in the class ahead of us that were friends as well. I had begun to believe that Angie/Angela was a dying name. Doomed to grace the pages of long lost/antiquated baby name books. How refreshing to find so many in a wide range of ages. Hey Angie's and Angela's!! I have to be one of the most blessed people in the online journal-sphere. All of the support and well wishes and good vibes have really given me stregnth to keep a firm hand on my self control. You ladies rock! I hope you all the most success in your struggles with wieght loss, weight gain and any other number of issues we all seem to be dealing with at this time. Here I am trying to drop weight and at the same time I have spent the last 3 1/2 years trying to put weight on Steve. I know both side of the weight issue. neither of them are easy. I do know those people who have trouble putting weight on and keeping it on have no idea and no understanding of those who have trouble getting weight off. Please do not misunderstand that in no way am I contributing my weight gain to Steve. He has eating issues opposite mine but he also will NOT eat unless I am having something. After getting frustrated, having spats, and generally losing all patience with him we are coming to an understanding. Justbecause he needs to eat doesn't mean i will be eating with him. He has offered his support and is trying to understand me now were in the past he didn't. Steve has no relationship with food beyond a few things he likes and that is that. he would go for days without food if I didn't make him eat. Food is in no way important to him. It would be different I suppose if I were one of those people who major health issues. If I binge ate sweets and desserts and potatoes and bread and all the good stuff. But I am not. I am guilty of eating good healthy food and my body doing its job of storing fat in over drive. I have no health issues whatsoever. Even my OBGYN back home said I was one of the most healthy people he had ever had as a patient. Being over weight wasn't something he could find as a problem because I had no health problems. None. At all. I still have no issues whatsoever. I am one of those people who naturally functions at a higher weight. The reason I want to pull the weight off is I am tired of being the fat girl. I love who I am and have in the past had very few problems with my body image. Here lately though I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to make a change. I think while the mind is willing and the body isn't balking too badly I might as well strike while the iron is hot so to speak. There were days in the past few months when my weight made me angry, caused me to hover near depression. Bringing this issue out into the light I have felt my spirits begin to lift and those dark clouds are passing me by. I hope they stay away. I am trying to respond to comments in the comments areas. If you have inquired something of me and I haven't replied would you please give me a nudge or shove as a reminder? Steven seems to be perking up a little today compared to what he has been the last few days. I tell you one thing I have seen enough poopy diapers for a while. I have stuffed him with yogurt, cereal, bananas, mashed potatoes, gatoraide and numerous other tastey and healthy treats. I hope these molars come in quick and leaves us the hell alone for a while. I am hoping I'll have some time over the weekend to finish up some graphics for your requests. Hopefully by sunday night or monday morning everything will be finished. Be patient with me I haven't forgotten you. Steve is working late this evening. Colby hasn't been long in from the hospital where she has been offered the possibility of a job ASAP. Go, Colby! Gracie is in her pj's and settling down. Steven is dozing a little. His body is tired. I am going to grab a shower, make a pot of coffee, surf a while, leave some comments then work on a few graphics. Have a wonderful weekend. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Reviews of Low Carb foods that I am trying and reviewing are found on a new blog. As I add the items I have tried/am trying I would love any feed back or suggestions from you all. My weight loss tracking journal Looking For The thinner Me is where I am logging my eating habits and insanity along the way. Click the image to take you there.

We all have dirty secrets. Here is one of mine. If you have a secret you can leave it in the comments. You can be anonymous. I won't tell. It will be our secret.

When I posted yesterday is was because Steven was such a darling baby boy and played and was sweet and let me putter on my pc and do stuff. Then all hell broke loose. He decided that unless he was spread full body across me and both of my hand where ON HIS BODY he would have an ever lovin' fit. After supper last night and most of today he has been in my lap. Playing in my lap. Singing in my lap. Just laying in my arms. He is not sick. He is having a bit of a mood. I will get back to yesterday's post. I am just delayed. Those of you who responded -I'll get with you very soon.

Saturday night we went to a corporate 'holiday' party. Yes, I know it is January. It seems MANY companies have their holiday parties in January in D.C. It must be easier to rent the ballrooms AFTER the holidays in question because nearly every nice hotel was crawling with party goers. Saturday morning I went out looking for a pair of black heels. I haven't worn heels since before I got pregnant with Steven. I ended up at Payless of all places and found a simple pair of black heels. Everything I own is opened toed and I really thought a closed toe was better with the outfit I was wearing. Palllazo pants with side split and new black heels. I wore a red blouse/jacket type thing that I bought myself before Christmas as a gift to me. I popped in the shop after finally getting a pair of shoes yesterday and found the silver/grey similar styled blouse on clearance and then 40% off that price so I picked it up and brought it home too. I have no idea when I will ever get to wear it. I find this to be a very elegant red. The only thing I have to show for the incredible night view of the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial is this shot of the back of Steve's head. The flash would not turn off! so you can guess I nearly blinded him while he drove us along I-395. If only you could see the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial. I did get a photo of the second tunnel on I-395 before we got lost and ended up on New York Avenue down SW way. Holy Moly. Second tunnel on I-395. We were not the only party goers with poor directions. Many people said the directions issued with the invites sucked. But evenutally we found ourselves where we were supposed to be somewhere along New Jersey Ave. in a hotel ballroom. The employees were given $125k in poker chips. Each $25k was worth one raffle ticket. We ended up with $625k in chips at the end of the night. We planned blackjacked and nothing else. Lots of drinks and lots of food. It all flowed freely. The DJ man looked like Jerry springers long lost brother. The games was a large screen TV. People danced. Several women looked to be one drink away from hugging the porcelain throne. It was a fun night. I enjoyed meeting everyone. However ... How do so many very skinny and pretty young 20-something women end up with cellulite clear down to their ankles? Who never taught them that strapless dresses do require undergarments because small saggy breasts make your dresses look cheap. Why do they not comb their hair? I mean seriously when did a hot mess become fashionable? Aside from critisizing their appearance I met several very sweet young women. I also learned that my 'sweet gentlman' husband has been charming these women into submission. They gush over him. They smile so sweetly and offer to get him drinks. They stand behind him and watch him play blackjack. One had a complete startled look when she found out I was his wife. It would be so easy to get upset over this behavior but I know why they fawn over him. He uses his manners while talking to them. I witnessed much less-than-polite behavior from others toward these young girls/women. Steve and his other wife, Angie. Jennifer is not pictured. :-/ One thing that will never die from this night out - our first nice night out in over two years - Steven introduced me as "Jennifer" - as in "This is my wife Jennifer" as I shook the hand of a nice young woman. This was about the 6th or 7th time he was introducing me to someone new. Each time he did suavely and with perfection. This time - ummm not so suave. I shook her hand and said, "Hi, I am Angie, Steve's other wife." Hahahaha! Enough about us. Look who is working. Colby before work. Look who is climbing. Fuzzy photo as I quickly shot, put down the camera and rescued him from himself. CLIMBING.

When it is cool and rainy I feel the most creative. Moving to Virginia and beginning to deal with the idea of having snow I found I was even more creative when house bound during a good snow fall. So far we have had no snow this winter season. How odd. We have had more than our share of rain. Water is standing on a lot of property in this part of Virginia. We were warned it would be an extremely wet winter but I think everyone anticipated wet snow weather. It is so warm right now that if it began to snow as I type it would never stick. The ground is too warm. Where is the cold weather? During these slow cool rainy days I find my self itchy to do something. Crochet, cross stitch, paint, sew, write, craft just anything creative and productive. I am working on a few ideas but with the baby I don't have but a few moments here and there to work on things and I find I am becoming frustrated with everything around me. All of the Christmas decor is down and put away. The house isn't pristine but it isn't in too bad of shape. I am not interested in house work. The idea of chores makes me angry. I feel strange like a major change is coming. I don't know if it is a change I will make for myself or one of those that life dumps in your lap but I feel I am on the brink of something. Is anyone else out there having a similar internal struggle with something you can't put your finger on? Tell me about it.

I have read the first 5 Little House books for the second time in my life. I had forgotten so much. Each book was like discovering an old friend all over again. I have four more of the original books to go. I have taken down much of the Christmas decorations. I still have a bit to go. I am always sad to see them go away into the boxes and to the attic. In her later years my grandma decided to leave her tree up all year long more for her religious conviction than for decorations. She always said the Lord was so good to her that every day was like Christmas and thus so she celebrated in her way by enjoying her Christmas tree. There were a lot of movies given to people in this house over the holiday. I am watching them one by one -mostly while taking down decorations. We had 15 people in and out and sleeping in this house over the holiday weeks. Those people who do not normally live here abused my plumbing in the worst way. The bill to repair the damage was more than $500. I will not be willing to host the people in my home again. Yes, they were family. I do mean they will not be invited to spend any length of time living in my house ever again. I do mean that. Gracie caught a nasty cold but I am pleased to say she beat the cold and did not have any asthmatic problems. Yayyyy, Gracie! She had a check-up yesterday. Her lungs sound great. The daily inhaled meds are doing their job perfectly. The doctor handed over 5 inhalers with 200 doses of meds each (1000 daily doses) because Gracie and one other child were the only ones who could use the meds effectively. She saved me $127 per bottle. I guess in one way I got back the money I had to shell out for the broken plumbing. Steven had his check-up yesterday too. He weighs in at 22lbs 7 oz and measures 30 3/4 inches tall. He has shown no sign of any problem but on examination she said he had an ear infection. :-/ He is on an antibiotic for the next 10 days. I cannot believe that in 1 month he will already be 1 year old. The time has flown by faster than we realize. Remember when I had planned to do nothing but rest a few days? Hahahahaha, me, too. Did. Not. Happen. Soon, I tell myself. -After all the decorations are down. And how are you?