Recently in Breast Cancer Category
I have a shameful confession to make. It is deep and dark and eats at me like a little worm boring into a piece of fruit. It scares frightens petrifies terrifies horrorfies me. It is an ugly open mouth like a gaping black hole that I fear will swallow me up.
From the time I knew I would become a mother I have been afraid that death would come while my children are small. I'll never get to see them grow up. They won't have enough time to build memories to remember me. They won't be able to console themselves. They will feel abandoned and left to the mercy of the world with no one who will love them like I do.
If you are a parent surely you have thought about it. Probably not obssessed over it. Maybe like me you push it down and forget about it until something stirs it and wakes it up and it pokes its head up and makes you look at it.
This is not my confession of shame. This is:
Since finding Kate's journal I have made an extra effort to avoid the subject of breast cancer and death. I have told myself I don't know anyone who has suffered and beat the odds. I have told myself breast cancer hasn't touched my life. I have lived in denial for such a long time that it is my shame to have denied the life of one beautiful woman, her husband and three wonderful children.
If I am avoiding the entire subject why do I keep going back? I like Kate's journal. I like the way she writes. I can hear my oldest niece's voice in her words. It makes me smile to see her photo with her pretty smiling face and handsome husband. I just try to ignore and skip over the parts about breast cancer and death.
As of today I am finished running away from my fears of death and leaving my children. I won't block out memories of Traci and Bobby. I won't pretend out of sight out mind where three children are concerned.
I met Traci when I was in my early weeks of pregnancy. Just a few months later she too was pregnant. She was the only person I knew who was pregnant at the same time. It gave us something to talk about and share a common bond while we discovered other things we both liked and disliked.
She was a lovely young woman when we met. Her hair was thick and long the color of cherry cola as Hope would call it. She was tall, thin on top and heavily built in the bottom and thighs. She dieted a few times but accepted her body for what it was and felt good about herself in general. Sure, we all have those parts we wish we could change but she never obssessed over it.
Her father was stationed overseas when she was born. She spent her early childhood growing up in Germany. After her father retired the family moved to Georgia. She had yankee ways like her mother but she picked up the southern ways too. I would shake my head when I saw some of the things she did. We often joked about the 'yankee' things she did. It made no difference.
Traci was married to Bobby, her high school sweetheart. They had married just after graduation. They were like the rest of us starting out in the 80's. They struggled to make ends meet, worked hard at keeping their marriage together, argued about money, made up and tried to live the American dream. To anyone who cared to take a look it was readily apparent that they had something most married couples do not. They were completely, unquestionably, totally devoted to one another.
After Robert was born Bobby had some problems and the diagnosis came back that he needed a pacemaker. She was by his side every minute. He came through the ordeal with flying colors. They picked up their life where it left off and continued on through the everyday obstacles we all face.
Bobby worked for his father in the business of construction. He had grown up in the country, loved to hunt and fish. In the winter Traci found herself like most young wives of similar background -filling her hours with her friends on the weekend while the boys went hunting or fishing or competing in bow tournaments.
The men being gone we were close in those days. We shared everything. When our children were born they were friends, too. Colby and Robert loved to play together. As time marched forward they shared birthday parties, halloween trick-or-treating, christmas and vacation bible school. They played in the mud, on the swing set and entertained one another so that she and I could just take a break if only for the afternoon.
A year after Colby and Robert were born we both found ourselves faced with the possibilty of another baby arriving. My pregnancy test was false. Her's was positive. Within nine months she was the mother of a lovely little baby girl they named Jessica.
Raising children, working, struggling in those days to live above the poverty line made the days pass quickly. Five years later Traci and Bobby moved away and we didn't see each other often. They struggled to keep their marriage together the same as we did. All the real life drama ate up our time and it was further and further apart that we saw one another. Traci, along with her sister, had taken over her mother's cleaning business. I was going back to school. There wasn't time for anything in those days.
Ten years after Colby and Robert were born the two of us found ourselves pregnant again. Traci brought home a little girl named Leslie in July and I brought home Gracie in December. The events brought us back together but not as close as we had been 10 years before. At my baby shower before Gracie was born, Leslie played on the floor in my mother's den, Traci and I sat and caught up on old and new things filling our life.
We talked about how similar events seemed to play out for us. We even laughed at the idea of 10 years after becoming a mother we find ourselves in similar circumstances. We talked about our pregnancies, past and present. We laughed and ate cake and drank punch. Traci told us how she had been having problems with a blocked milk duct. It was normal stuff that moms and friends talk about. We promised to keep in touch and get together often. We wouldn't let time get away from us again.
We talked about how at one time she had thought about divorcing Bobby and I had thought about divorcing John. We both stuck it out and made the best of our marriages. Sometimes I wondered if Traci had Leslie to save her marriage much like I had thought having another baby would save mine. During that time Traci and Bobby had redidcated their lives to Christ and were living a wonderful life. My (now ex-) husband would never go to church with me much less try to live right.
I often felt a bit of jealousy or maybe it was envy that she seemed to have found the path that eluded me. She had a husband who adored her, loved her unconditionally.
It wasn't long after that I found out that Traci's blocked duct was much more than a blocked milk duct. After a battery of tests she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She and her husband Bobby prayed about it. They counseled with their Pastor. In the end they agreed radical treatment was the answer. Shortly after she had a total mastectomy. Afterward all her tests came back clean, she had beat the odds but she still had to be checked every 6 months just to be sure. Six months later a bone scan and blood tests and other tests gave her a clean bill of health. Less than a month later she was sick again. The doctor gave her the news that the same cancer from her breast was now in her lymph nodes and had made its way to her liver.
Again they were strong and brave. Traci did radiation therapy. She had chemo therapy. She lost her hair and wore a wig. She tried to understand the pain of her children and had many bad moments to work through with them. Robert never understood she was fighting to live, he only knew his mother was dying. Jessica was defiant and dug in her heels. They were very honest with their children trying to prepare them for what was coming. How do you prepare a 10 and 8 year old for your death? Both children remembered the first battle. They felt with this second battle somehow their mother had lied about everything being okay in the end. How do you prepare yourself to leave a baby who would never remember the sound of your voice or the touch of your hand? Knowing there was nothing that could be done Traci went home from the hospital trying to live while she prepared herself to die.
The last time I saw her was a visit in the hospital. She was smiling. She told me how she had tried to talk to her kids and explain what was happening. It was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. Battling the cancer was easy compared to having to tell her children the truth. I tried not to let her see me cry but I couldn't help myself. I thought of those three children and it shattered my heart.
Through all the days following Bobby never left her side. When the pain became to much to bare and no drug could take it away he would lay with her in their bed, hold her and whisper in her ear. He would sing to her and read the Bible. They got through the same as always, together.
After months of never leaving her side it was urgent that Bobby take care of some of their personal business. Traci's mother came over to stay with her and Bobby set out for a quick trip to the post office. In the short time that he was gone Traci lost her battle and passed away in the arms of her mother. It was May 12th, 1999. She was 32 years old.
Bobby never got over his self imposed guilt of leaving his wife. He blamed himself every moment of every day. He cursed himself. He played that day out in his head over and over. It does no good to rehash those events. Nothing anyone could say eased his pain. In many ways he felt he had failed her by not being there in the end.
He was strong and held up like a real trooper through the funeral and details. He buried his wife and tried to raise his children. Family members tried to get him to let them take the children but he would have no part of it. They were his children and he would raise them. He worked hard, took care of children the best he could. His brother moved in with him and shared the load. His mother and mother-in-law did they everything they could to help out. Those of us who saw Bobby later in the year knew he wasn't holding up as well as everyone thought.
The last time I saw Bobby was May 5th, 2000. We ran into one another at a night club. I was newly divorced and he had begun dating. Later that night in the early hours of May 6th Bobby ran his truck off an embankment and ended his life. To this day I believe he had never gotten over Traci's death.
Their three children now live with Traci's mother. My heartbreaks to think of them growing up without either parent. How hard it must be for Robert and Jessica to miss both of their parents. How tragic Leslie will never really know the mommy and daddy who loved them all so very much.
I have been thinking about Traci and Bobby a lot. Sometimes the cruelty of it all is overwelming and I put them out of my mind, I forget them but something always makes me remember. I am ashamed of myself for trying to forget. I am no longer forgetting. I am remembering and trying to celebrate their lives, their love story.
Please visit Kate's journal. Please click on the link and donate what you can for breast cancer research. There has to be an answer. There has to be away to stop the devastation left in its wake. Breast cancer destroys lives far beyond any given woman. It rips families to pieces and leaves children as orphans. Together we can all make a difference.
I made this little pink ribbon. If you support breast cancer research will you take it and put it on your journal? Will you link to Kate and help her raise money for research?
Please do not link to the image on my server or I will have to enable the no hotlinking feature and the image will disappear. By linking to the image on my server and not uploading to your own storage space you are stealing bandwidth. This makes you a theif.
Please do not link to the image on my server or I will have to enable the no hotlinking feature and the image will disappear. By linking to the image on my server and not uploading to your own storage space you are stealing bandwidth. This makes you a theif.
