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Last night I woke up several times and looked at the clock.
10pm - Nineteen years ago my water broke.
11:30pm - At the hospital, trying my best to have some dignity during natural childbirth when I was little more than a child myself. At 20 what do we really know about life?
12:25am - A baby girl was wrapped in a blanket and placed in my arms. She blinked up at me with those dark newborn alien eyes. Searching my face. She took my heart in that moment. The best gift I had ever been given.
Pink roses on a white cake, similar to her first birthday cake, only her first birthday cake was from Smoake's Bakery and it is now closed and you can't get the most magnificent cake in the world any longer. It has nineteen pale pink candles to blow out.
Last year was a very important birthday. The big 18. Legal Adult. Registered voter. Driving. Finished high school. Started college. So many milestones to look forward too. It was all new and exciting. On the brink of a brave new chapter in her life.
Nineteen balloons.
This year. Not really a milestone. The last year as a teenager. But not a big birthday like 21 is. Yet one very much looked forward too by the birthday girl. She has finished her first year of college. She is planning and preparing and really moving into adulthood. It is not a day dream or fairytale. Her life is taking shape. She is guiding her own ship into her own future.
Nineteen birthday cards.
I am very proud of her. This young woman. My baby. My first love. I fell in love with her all those many years ago with just one glance and I am still in love with her to this day. I am smitten. She takes me by surprise and leaves me speechless with her intellect, her wit, her humor and her perfect timing with the perfect comeback lines.
Nineteen doughnuts in a 'cake' with nineteen candles to blow out for birthday breakfast.
Where does all of this time go when it passes us by? How can nienteen years have slipped up on me and I saw it coming but it didn't register?
Nineteen presents to open.
Why have I been teary eyed the past few days? I look at her and a lump forms in my throat. I try to swallow it away or I turn my face until the tears can be blinkled out of my eyes. I am really having a hard time with this new age. Next it will be twenty. Then some boy will come along and sweep her off her feet and take her away from me. The next thing you know I'll be a grandmother for pete's sake.
This has to stop right now! I don't like this circus ride. I want off. I need to catch my breath. Nobody told me nineteen years ago that today would be so very hard on my heart.
And a birthday party baby to make it complete.
My oldest baby holding my youngest baby. Somebody please stop the world for a minute and let me get off. This is totally blowing me away this morning. My emotions are so strong I am completely overwhelmed.
Last night we had birthday dessert because J. was here and it is important that she get to share in the celebration. This morning we had birthday breakfast. Saturday we will go out for sushi. Maybe there will be a few more surprises. You never know.
The greatest surprise has been how hard it is for me to let her grow up. When did this young woman replace my tiny 7lb 1/2oz baby girl?
Happy Birthday, my sweet darling girl.
I love you, Colby.
Love,
Momma
