Family: June 2005 Archives

Before Steven and I met face to face we talked on the phone every morning, every night, more and more and more. Eventually we were talking several times a day and hours and hours on the weekend. It was nothing for him to call at 7pm and we would talk till midnight or later. In that time you get to know a person and to trust their words according to the tone of their voice. I knew up front he never intended to marry again or to have other children. I chided him often. I would tell him how much of a disservice he did to himself banning everyone from his life based on the shitty experience with his ex-wife. I told him one day a woman would come along and be worthy of his heart. He shouldn't deny himself real happiness. Eventually he grudgingly agreed maybe someone out there was worthy of his trust and devotion. About a month later he said to me, "One day I am going to ask you to marry me." I believed him. We talked about children. He once told me that he never wanted another child. For several reasons. One children are used as weapons by some women. Two he didn't think he could love another child like his first. Three he didn't think J. would grow accustomed to impact of another child, so he didn't plan on having another. I could fully understand the first. I told him the second was a crock. Love grows it doesn't take away. The third I got angry with him. I told him if he ever met a nice woman that he could he should tell her up front so she can walk away if she so chooses. I fussed about how he was letting a child make decisions for his future and the future of the woman who did come into his life. About a week later he told me he had given real thought to the issue and concluded once again I was right. He had never looked at it that way before and it was in no way fare to the woman who might win his heart. Eventually he did ask me to marry him. Then he bought us a farm and moved us back to the country where I belong. He also gave me a great cool car the day after Mother's Day. We have lived happily every after. Until a few weeks ago. I have been very sick. Tired beyond tired. Snotty nose, slight cough. As my symptoms worsened and I became sicker each day I decided I should make an appointment to see a doctor. I knew without a doubt what the diagnosis would be. Steven would not believe it until a PhD confirmed it. I have been on the couch for the past two weeks. Sicker than sick. He has been so worried. I went to the doctor today. I married a geek I met on the net. And then we bought a farm. And then he gave me a cool car. And then he gave me a baby. Shhhhhhhh ... I am not supposed to tell anyone until the family knows but I can't keep quiet any longer. It is our secret. O'kay?

Steven - resident geek, Chief Technology Officer of his firm, husband, lover, my best friend, age 36. Angie - Me! Wife to Steven, Mother to Colby and Gracie, Stepmother to J., daughter, sister, christian, writer, historian, peacemaker, crafter, gardener, cook, cheif bottle washer - to name a few. Age 39. Colby - Oldest daughter, age 18, in college. J. - Middle daughter, age 10, in fifth grade, does not live with us full time, visits every wednesday and every other weekend. Gracie - Youngest daughter, age 7, in second grade. Baby X - due this winter.

When I was a kid Father's Day was observed the same as Mother's Day. As I grew older it became something more of an expected, unfeeling, obligation to fill. It had and still has no meaning to me. I have never experienced a relationship with a father or a dad. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. I never saw him again until I stood over his casket in 1980. He was my father but only because people told me so. My mother remarried when I was 9 years old. My step-father was not a father nor a Dad. To him, as he voiced more than once, we were the damn kids of his current wife. Nothing more nothing less. And certainly NOT his kids, as he told many people in front of us. As far as father's and dad's go we were nobody's kids. Yet we were expected to observe the day as if he was the life support system upon which we were dependant. We were expected to give the sentimental cards and some foolish gift to honor his mean drunk assinine self. It was not a day I ever looked forward too. I often wondered what it was like to have a real dad. Someone who loved you and stood beside you come what may. To this day I have not and do not have a male figure in my life that was anything close to my need and expectation of a Dad. As far back as I can remember I would tell myself that when I grew up my children would have a Dad, a REAL dad. Everything would be happy and hunky-dorey -the Hallmark sentiments would mean something when given. My ex-husband is a complete ass. He never filled that role for my children. I always felt so badly, full of guilt, that I had not kept my promise to myself and my children suffered for it. I did not choose wisely as far as husbands go and therefore had failed my children in giving them a great and semi-perfect father. I am 38 and still wanting a Dad. I want someone who I can pick up the phone and call, asking to speak to Daddy, and hearing the voice on the other end who really loves me in that way that only father's can love their children. It will never happen. There is no one to blame. Some men just aren't Dad's and never will be. Steven came into my girl's life and stepped up to the plate to be a Dad. It was very easy for them both to stop seeing him as Steve and knowing him as Dad. I honestly do not think Gracie remembers anything much about her father. Steven is her Dad and that is that. I believe Colby has chosen not to remember anytime before now and Steven is her Dad. I find it very comical, yet so very deeply heart felt, when she greets him in her Italian, French, English, proper Brit and even hillbilly voice with "Papa". Each of them, Colby, Gracie and Steven, have stretched and grown into the skins of daughters and father. He has met the mark and surpassed it in their minds and hearts. I have watched the relationship grow and fill out over the past year. I stand in awe of the man who loves another's children like his own. In his heart he IS their Dad and that is that. Colby has this irritating habit of placing 'what if' situations on the table and wanting answers to her scenarios. What if something happened to Momma? Would we stay with you or go to granny? What if you and Momma separated? Would we still get to see you? I know she is seeking confirmation that the place she is now is safe. That she can give even more of her heart knowing it won't be broken. If something happens to me Steven will still be Dad and this will still be home. Nothing will change. There is no chance Steven and I will ever separate so the point she is trying to make is completely mute, but she has a need to know that no matter what the future brings Steven loves them both dearly and even without me he will still be Dad. I wonder when she will no longer need confirmation of the solidity of their relationship. On this Father's Day this is my message: Thank you, Steven for being the Dad to my girls that I always wanted for them. Thank you for stepping up to the plate and being the man that you are and reassuring my children that they and their hearts are completely safe with you. Thank you for loving them as if they are flesh of your flesh. Thank you for unknowingly easing my guilt from all the years past. Thank you for being the Father my children needed. Thank you for being the Dad they both so desperatly wanted. I love you.