Holidays: June 2005 Archives

When I was a kid Father's Day was observed the same as Mother's Day. As I grew older it became something more of an expected, unfeeling, obligation to fill. It had and still has no meaning to me. I have never experienced a relationship with a father or a dad. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. I never saw him again until I stood over his casket in 1980. He was my father but only because people told me so. My mother remarried when I was 9 years old. My step-father was not a father nor a Dad. To him, as he voiced more than once, we were the damn kids of his current wife. Nothing more nothing less. And certainly NOT his kids, as he told many people in front of us. As far as father's and dad's go we were nobody's kids. Yet we were expected to observe the day as if he was the life support system upon which we were dependant. We were expected to give the sentimental cards and some foolish gift to honor his mean drunk assinine self. It was not a day I ever looked forward too. I often wondered what it was like to have a real dad. Someone who loved you and stood beside you come what may. To this day I have not and do not have a male figure in my life that was anything close to my need and expectation of a Dad. As far back as I can remember I would tell myself that when I grew up my children would have a Dad, a REAL dad. Everything would be happy and hunky-dorey -the Hallmark sentiments would mean something when given. My ex-husband is a complete ass. He never filled that role for my children. I always felt so badly, full of guilt, that I had not kept my promise to myself and my children suffered for it. I did not choose wisely as far as husbands go and therefore had failed my children in giving them a great and semi-perfect father. I am 38 and still wanting a Dad. I want someone who I can pick up the phone and call, asking to speak to Daddy, and hearing the voice on the other end who really loves me in that way that only father's can love their children. It will never happen. There is no one to blame. Some men just aren't Dad's and never will be. Steven came into my girl's life and stepped up to the plate to be a Dad. It was very easy for them both to stop seeing him as Steve and knowing him as Dad. I honestly do not think Gracie remembers anything much about her father. Steven is her Dad and that is that. I believe Colby has chosen not to remember anytime before now and Steven is her Dad. I find it very comical, yet so very deeply heart felt, when she greets him in her Italian, French, English, proper Brit and even hillbilly voice with "Papa". Each of them, Colby, Gracie and Steven, have stretched and grown into the skins of daughters and father. He has met the mark and surpassed it in their minds and hearts. I have watched the relationship grow and fill out over the past year. I stand in awe of the man who loves another's children like his own. In his heart he IS their Dad and that is that. Colby has this irritating habit of placing 'what if' situations on the table and wanting answers to her scenarios. What if something happened to Momma? Would we stay with you or go to granny? What if you and Momma separated? Would we still get to see you? I know she is seeking confirmation that the place she is now is safe. That she can give even more of her heart knowing it won't be broken. If something happens to me Steven will still be Dad and this will still be home. Nothing will change. There is no chance Steven and I will ever separate so the point she is trying to make is completely mute, but she has a need to know that no matter what the future brings Steven loves them both dearly and even without me he will still be Dad. I wonder when she will no longer need confirmation of the solidity of their relationship. On this Father's Day this is my message: Thank you, Steven for being the Dad to my girls that I always wanted for them. Thank you for stepping up to the plate and being the man that you are and reassuring my children that they and their hearts are completely safe with you. Thank you for loving them as if they are flesh of your flesh. Thank you for unknowingly easing my guilt from all the years past. Thank you for being the Father my children needed. Thank you for being the Dad they both so desperatly wanted. I love you.